After my haircut, I tip the woman who washed my hair, only I accidentally tip the wrong person. "What the hell is this crap?" the other hair-washer demands. "Why would I want money from you, complete stranger?" The woman whom I meant to tip bursts into tears because I have made her feel like less than a person. She runs out the door and straight into traffic. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE," screams the salon owner. Everyone in the salon, clients and staff alike, beat me up. The next day the headlines read, "Alice Bradley is a Thoughtless Jerk." We have to move.

- Finslippy, The Worst That Could Happen

I really liked that post, because it had some great examples of anxious thought patterns, how your regular anxiety can spiral out of control. (The rest of the blog is hilarious, by the way.)

I used to think such thought patterns were completely normal. Then I went on anti-depressants and they immediately disappeared. I used to have so many intrusive thoughts, and Effexor cut most of them out in one fell blow. It's been a couple of years since I was on it though, and they're starting to come back.

Chris travels and doesn't have access to email or phone for hours. My brain insists that there's been a plane crash or a terrorist attack or he just decided not to return. I look both ways and begin crossing the road. A mini-movie plays in my head, featuring The Car I Didn't See slamming into me. (This thought now occurs every time I cross the road.) I'm home alone and there are people in the hallway. They're going to break in and hurt me. Same for the guy in the otherwise-empty subway car. Should I wait for the next train?

It's frustrating because they're normal fears: car accidents, rape, the safety of loved ones, death. But the thoughts themselves aren't normal. They get triggered too easily, too often. I can't get them out of my head, even when I know there aren't any cars coming.

People always recommend meditation, and I'm starting to try that out. Maybe it'll allow me to separate the thoughts from the fear. I don't really want to go back on anti-depressants. They changed my life, but they come with side effects. I read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy and it gave me some more tools to distinguish between normal fears and unreasonable fears, but these thoughts are automatic. I know the one about being hit by a car is unreasonable, but I can't stop the movie from playing.

I'm aware that these thoughts can become paralyzing. Right now, they're more irritating than anything, like a mosquito in my mind.

Labels: anxiety, thoughts