I endured church on Christmas Eve. It was strange. I told RH about leaving the faith on MSN last night. He's coming up next Wednesday for supper, and he wants to know everything. I hesitate to have that discussion. My extian email list says now is not the time, I'm not ready, he just wants to argue, just wants to make sure he can back himself up. I think I'm going to try to avoid getting into it.
· · · later · · ·
I emailed RH to say that I don't want to go into it because it's a personal issue that is near-impossible not to debate about. So, I hope he has some sort of positive response to that. We'll see.
· · · excerpt from email to RH · · ·
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I really don't want to give you a run-down of why I've decided to leave the faith. At least, I don't want to right now. Maybe six months from now I will be in a better position to tell you about it. You have to understand that this is something that everyone jumps all over me for, it's something that people expect me to be able to fully defend right away, as if this isn't a process, as if this isn't a huge change to my entire worldview that has consequences that I'm sure I haven't even thought of yet. It changes how I see myself, how I see other people, how I approach relationships, how I approach ideas and books and differing opinions, it affects everything.
I know you want to know, but you don't need to know, not really. You have your own questions and doubts, and I'm sure that you can understand where I'm coming from somewhat. Besides, there is no 'last straw', nothing HAPPENED to make this inevitable. It was a hundred little things that together led to a personal decision when I was ready for it. I have journals from three years ago, from before and while we were at [bible college #1] that talk about major doubts and questions that ended up being major issues. The further I researched them, the harder they became to answer. And it shouldn't be that way, truth should be defendable, the answers should come, you should seek and find, call and get an answer, etc. I'm not saying that I should have a complete understanding of everything, but the basics should work. I can't rely on "well, it's a mystery" or "god's ways are higher than our ways" or "god works in mysterious ways" or "just have faith" anymore. I really tried, and I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of it.
I can't debate these things just yet, and I don't want to. And, let's face it, it is incredibly difficult not to take it personally when someone ditches on that which you hold most dear. I know when my best friend deconverted I took it very personally, I felt betrayed in a way, and I didn't know what to expect from her anymore, and being that we are best friends, that was difficult. Since it is quite a personal issue, it becomes next to impossible NOT to debate it, so while I trust that you have the best of intentions... I don't really think you can just listen and not try to answer. I wouldn't be able to do it. My parents came awfully close, but they are very liberal and have many of the same doubts, so they're a special case. You, on the other hand, are a bible college student. You spend time and money on learning how to debate/defend this.
<--sooner · later-->
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