Making the Jump: 29 October 2003
Well, it's happened. I've made the jump and I'm not a Christian anymore. For the first time in 22 years, I have no religion, I have no God, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
I thought leaving my old (crazy manipulative) church was bad, but that was just realising that none of those people gave a shit about me. This is realising that the one entity that I've always gone to for help and comfort just isn't... isn't there, isn't anything. Perhaps there is God, but I think there is not Jesus or the Holy Spirit or whatever I've prayed to for 22 years. For years I've thought that I was doing something wrong and that's why he wouldn't speak to me, and now I just think that he's not going to speak because he's just not...anything. And I can't help but feel really sad about that, and I've cried more this week than in the last year.
I have cried because I feel alone and I feel abandoned and I feel like I have betrayed someone that won't even get even. I have to tell friends and family, and that is scary. I am growing to respect gay people who have come out of the closet, because this is really difficult, but I'm sure there are many more free spaces for ex-Christians than for gay people. The few people that I have talked to about it have mostly been ex-Christians or never-Christians, and they have been encouraging and comforting. My Christian friends who I have told have been okay, but they are sad and I am sad that they are sad. They think I'm going to hell, and that's a scary thing for them, and I understand it, since I had friends and family leave Christianity when I was still hardcore Christian.
This has been coming for so long, these doubts have been growing for years, but losing my faith still feels very sudden. I need to re-learn how to think and react to things. There are so many things that I have never learned about before because they were "wrong" (like evolution for example) that I can explore now. I have to think things out for myself without appealing to anyone else for approval. It's a strange new world for me.
I have joined a mailing list for ex-tians, and it's a little odd just yet. Some of their stories are very close to mine, but a lot of them have gone straight into atheism, and I'm not sure that's necessary. I sort of understand it, but I still believe that God exists. I don't know how to construct a worldview without a creator. I don't think God is relational though... maybe He is, but I guess I'm doubtful because I've spent so many years trying to get in contact with Him without success that I have just given up and concluded that it can't be done.
I sought and didn't find. I tasted and saw that God was absent.
I'm not angry, I'm sad. I feel overwhelmingly alone.
I thought that suicide would be an immediate thought if I ever lost my faith, but that has been far from me. The thought that this may be all I get makes me more protective of life, not less. It makes me less willing to die for an ideal I think. It makes me want to do as much as possible.
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