Today I cried a lot. I thought I was going to start crying on the subway, but I managed to just feel absolutely miserable. Maybe I'm in shock or something. My thoughts are skipping, like after my second car accident. I start to address God and then remember that I've lost him. I am reminded of Don DeLillo's "I would spend the rest of my life turning to speak to her" in White Noise and Dave Eggers'
Will: "Jack..."
Jack:
in You Shall Know Our Velocity. Jack never responds because not only does Will say he's dead, Hand lets us in on the fact that Jack never existed. Jesus is like that for me right now. I am alone and grieving for a non-existant bridegroom that I have written whole journals to. Who will love me now? Am I engraved on no one's palms? Has no one planned for me? Has no one sought me?
Today I wanted to either bawl or vomit. It started on Sunday, when I kept coughing on the way home from SM and JB's. More like gagging. More like the gasp in the middle of weeping. I am overwhelmed.
Dad called tonight because I hadn't emailed him back. I couldn't tell him what was wrong. I ranted about marks and exhaustion and feeling sick. But I can't tell him this, especially on the phone. I'm so scared he'll be mad.
I spend half my days automatically thinking like a Christian, forgetting I'm gone...
<--sooner · later-->
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