Powerful Delusion: 26 October 2003
(Note: I had a spiritual mentorship group with R, JP, and SM)
I went to church yesterday and felt bad. I felt like I was spying on and mocking something very meaningful to my friends. I didn't sing (missed my bus and showed up really late anyways) and I didn't take communion and I mentally ripped apart the sermon. I faked feeling comfortable. E. asked me if I'm doing alright and I said no and refused to discuss it. I think she shouldn't be hard to talk to about it, but she might be. Hard to say. I think it's hurting R., and that makes me sad. We went to JP and SM's and I didn't say anything about it though I know R wants me to. I feel like a bastard. I just can't do it anymore, I'm so tired. So basically I fudged my way through the afternoon and basically lied and wanted to vomit and I have no idea what to do. SM is so conservative and that scares me. Should I tell them? Yes. But it'll be really hard and I know they'll want to know what I want to do with our group if I'm ditching and I don't know because I love them but I can't be them and I don't know how to do anything right now.
I disagree with the Scripture we read, or don't get it, or feel like it doesn't apply. Today we read 2 Thessalonians 2:10b-12: "They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion, so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness." Fuck that. I'm not going to call that kind of god "good." Forget it, I'm sick of this. Christians just skip over this half of the Bible, or they preach only this half. Well, I don't want a part in that. I'm done.
And I have no idea who I am. I'm the church without Christ and I'm angry and sad.
<--sooner · later-->
<-- Faith Dissolved