Please Stay: 25 July 2001
I went out for breakfast with MW today. It's funny, we have a lot of the same questions. She's totally questioning her faith right now. She's not even sure that she's going to stick with it. She says that she doesn't pray right now, either, and that she doesn't feel bad about it.
Questions: why do so many Christians have such stupid, flaky faith? Why did I lose my passion? Why doesn't it feel like God is mad about that? Does He delight in tolerance? Is that what 'mercy triumphs over judgement' means? Why can't I pray? Am I praying simply by writing this down? Am I seeking God? Or am I seeking answers? Myself? Security? Will I be labelled a heretic? Is it heretical to voice your doubts?
I beleive that God lives in the back of my mind. I'm never sure if I'm imagining him or not.
Are you there, God? Are you mad? Are you here?
I know I could turn to something other than You
'Cause I don't understand You and why You're after me
I've never been the saint You wanted me to turn to
And I can't see the view from the eyes You look at me through
So cut below the surface and try not to notice
That I could be so foolish thinkin' I'm alright
I've got no one to hold me, I've got no one to carry
Everything inside of me that I won't let you see ('I'm Alright' by Jars of Clay)
I feel like there is no Scripture that speaks to the questions I'm asking. Or rather, none that asks those questions. There are all those Psalms that ask God why He is hiding from them, or why there are injustices. Those are not my questions. I want to know why I'm hiding my face from God. I want to know how God feels about my disillusionment. I want assurance that, not only will God be there when I come out of this, but that if I die right now, with my doubt and fear, I will wake up safe. I want to feel safe and free to ask questions while retaining the promise, if not the conversation. If I stop talking to God, does he cease to dwell in my heart? If I don't kick Him out, if I allow Him to be there, will He stay? If my heart is a home, will He stay if I lock myself in my room for months on end?
Please stay. Please abide and whisper to me. I don't understand you, sometimes I don't like you all that much, but my heart is yours. I can't promise that I will converse with you or as your advice, but please... please stay.
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