Fall-Out: 24 June 2004
I'm constantly being hit by new ideas and philosophies and I don't have answers anymore because Christianity handed me all of my answers and now I have to figure it all out on my own and it's exhausting. I read Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) last month and thought Objectivism might be a good route to go, but now I'm reading The Ayn Rand Cult and realising that it's basically just a fundamentalist cult for atheists, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm getting the wool pulled over my eyes. It makes me angry, I want to punch things when I realise how easily I get duped by things. I feel like I should see the warning signs by now.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to explain myself (defend myself) because of my having left the faith, I'm sick of feeling like I don't really have solid viewpoints about anything anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty when people (family mostly) are upset over my 'decision', I wish they didn't think I was going to Hell, I'm sorry that they're frightened for me but I can't fix it. Not only that, I don't want to, I don't want back in, I wish they could be glad for me because it's honestly the bravest and most positive thing I've ever done, as hard as it is to deal with some of the fall-out sometimes.
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