Delighting the Spirit: 23 July 2001
I got email from PT this morning. She is a wise woman. I was asking her about the process of choosing your career and making wise decisions. She talked about discovering what you truly value. That eventually I will find myself doing something and the Spirit delighting in it.
I have stopped trying to delight the Spirit. That's why I'm directionless.
And when I'd run
Till I'd run out
Being broken made me
Look a second time
Now I can see
I can see clearly
That You've been with me
All this time.
Yeah I strayed far
But I'm fine
I strayed far
But You've been with me, God
All this time ('Strayed' by Church of Rhythm)
The Bible has seemed really flat lately. I am left wondering whether I really believe it. I would like to, I think. I do believe God is patient and His love endures forever, so I'm not afraid. I wonder though: does His patience endure forever?
I wonder what Salinger's real thoughts on religion were. I imagine he was Christian. Why else would he proclaim Christ as the Fat Lady? But he has an interesting perspective on all of it. He knows Buddhism et al. as well.
My 'prayer life' is starting to scare me. I can hardly look at God. I'm not sure if I feel guilty or ashamed or just ... dodgy? I don't feel him delighting in me, that's for sure. I'm not even sure how to crawl back. I don't connect in worship, I scoff at people's enthusiasm. How did I get to be the kind of person who is hard, skeptical, unmoved, brittle? I want to be soothed, to be helped up, to see this chapter closed and healed.
When you're not sure Jesus needed to come, how do you call him Saviour? Do you see how dangerous these questions are? Does Yancey encourage and coddle doubt? Do I? How accessible is God, really? Have I really talked with him? Will I be pruned out? Have I already been cut off? Is this what the 'fear of the Lord' is? Can wisdom come from such panic?
I don't know what to say to God. I mean... what do you say? I'm sorry? Yeah, sorry for months of silence and for making fun of your creatures? For feeling honest when I vent my selfishness and anger? How deceptive is my heart?
My heart is dark as the soil
Sodden with winter rains (Lord brighten my heart)
My soul is heavy as the peat
Freshly dug from the bog (Lord lighten my soul)
My thoughts swirl like willow branches
Caught in autumn winds (Lord still my thoughts)
My body is tense as a cat's
As it stalks its prey (Lord relax my body)
Help me open my heart to you
Oh Jesus, it's what I long to do
Sweet Jesus, it's what I long to do ('Brighten My Heart' by Sixpence None the Richer)