I'm starting to hate christianity more and more and I don't know what to do with all of the anger and frustration. I see so many of the teachings as pure child abuse, and I can't stop it from happening. I can't even recommend that it be banned or outlawed, because I know all of the prophesies that christians will be persecuted would just appear to be fulfilled and the church would grow. I don't know how we're supposed to get rid of it. One of my old theology profs said that people are "incurably religious" and I fear it's true.
There's a "learn about christ" week coming up at my campus, put on by the christian fellowship whatever club, and I just want to rip down all of the posters. I hate it that I can't accept compliments because I was taught as a little kid (when I was supposed to be learning self-esteem) that I was bad and sinful and going to hell just for BEING. I hate it that I constantly self-edit to make sure that my thoughts line up with what they're "supposed" to, that I still unconsciously "take every thought captive". I hate it that I still don't feel comfortable telling some of my best friends that I've deconverted, that I'll lose friendships over it. I hate feeling like I won't be able to make absolutely sure that my own children won't someday fall into this trap. I hate feeling like I've only hit the tip of the iceburg and I'll discover more and more ways that this stupid religion has brainwashed me and hurt the way I think.
I hate it that there are days that I miss it, days when I start to pray only to realise that if I thought God was silent BEFORE, it's nothing like the silence now. Now there's not even someone listening but refusing to speak, there's just nothing. If he were there, I would be so angry at him, but he's like cancer, not like an ex-boyfriend I can call and yell at. I'm so angry at a being that doesn't exist, and I can't hurt him.
I don't know what to do with all of the anger and hurt. I can't rely on the old defense mechanisms because I threw them out with the rest of the junk. I can't pray or feel assurance or empathy from a being that never actually loved me or had the decency to show up in the first place. There are no counsellors. My family is offended already. My non-christian friends don't get what the big deal is.
I'm trying to feel the hate and anger rather than pushing them down because they're really justified and natural, but I don't like feeling this way. Maybe I'm just having a bad day, maybe this is phase two... it has only been four months since I deconverted, is it really the entire first year that is supposed to be the hardest?
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