Basics: 23 October 2003
I don't know if I'm a Christian anymore. I feel like I've lost my faith, like I woke up one morning and simply couldn't find it. Maybe I've just misplaced it, maybe it'll come back. But it feels like I've grown out of it, that this has been coming for a long time. It scares me. I think about all the friends I might lose over this. I think about how my family will react. I wonder about the wisdom of reading things like exchristian.net and if I'll be deceived by the devil and if there actually is a devil. I think I stopped believing in demons over a year ago. It's so hard to admit such things. I feel afraid, shameful. What will people like RH say? What will my parents say? Or S.?
And if not Christianity, then what? Believe nothing for a while? Agnosticism?
And will KP still want to live with me? And will my parents be okay with me? or A.? Is this what coming out feels like?
And can I go back?
Have I already left? Or is there a grey area here?
Let's see, basics:
1. God exists. Umm... I'm okay with this, I think. It doesn't bother me. The opposite is problematic to me.
2. The Bible is inerrant. Problem. Too many issues. Also, I don't trust translations and I don't know Hebrew or Greek. And which part of Leviticus is inerrant again?
3. Jesus died to save us from our sins.
a) sins. So... hmm. If this means "no one's perfect," I can go with that. But not legalism.
b) The cheebus thing: why not earlier? What about those who haven't heard or those who heard from shitty people? see also: the only way? see also: heaven?
4. and has a wonderful plan for your life but damned if I know how to find out what it is. Also, this applies equally to Christian kids in concentration camps, right? And Hosea? And Jeremiah? Where is this in the Bible again? And why is it referring to me and not dead Jews?
5. God said... and this means what exactly?
Maybe I'm not exactly on the fence.
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