RLP: 13 November 2003
Today I emailed Real Live Preacher to ask him some religion stuff. Basically, I know he got to this point and went the other direction. He said that faith is believing in spite of doubts, which I am starting to label 'cognitive dissonance.' It could just as well be labelled double-think. (I should read 1984 again for the religious references.)
I emailed him back and mentioned some authors I have loved but can't be anymore—Rich Mullins, Brennan Manning, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Henri Nouwen. He replied that he could tell by those names that I've read what he has to offer. I think this means he realises I haven't just seen legalistic stuff, I've see the legit side too and I'm still out. I feel sad to leave Dietrich behind, I really love him. Maybe I can hold onto him as a fellow people-lover, like M. keeps Tolstoy.
I don't know how to reject the whole thing though. I can't toss away so many people who I love and who love Jesus. They make me worry that I'm making a mistake.
· · · found elsewhere · · ·
I always thought that atheism was such an impossibility for me, kind of an "anything but that" sort of situation, but now that I am not a Christian, I don't feel much of a need for God. I feel as though I have outgrown him, like a child's security blanket. Of course, this does not mean God does not exist, it just means that I don't really care at the moment.
Last night I had a dream about the plastic-70s-hair-worship-chick at my church in Toronto. She came over to me with that look someone has when they're going to give you a 'word of knowledge.' I tried to avoid her but she came over and whispered, "Five years ago you died!" and I started screaming at her, "Leave me alone! It's not true! I have never had a near-death experience! Just go away!" And she tried to protest but I insisted, saying that she should love and respect me and right now I want to be left alone, so respect that.
She reminded me of the crazy charismatic women at home. I hate the emotions the dream brought up—fear, panic, avoidance, revulsion.
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