Processing: 12 November 2003
I picked up a copy of Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion by Marlene Winell. I've been realising many things due to her insight. Some thoughts are very new, and some are startlingly obvious.
1. The doctrine that people are inherently sinful has such a huge impact on everything. I have been taught since I was born that I deserve to be crucified and that I'm guilty for Jesus' crucifixion. What a load to bear! Not only that, we credit all of the good things to God and all of the bad things to ourselves. Christians don't accept praise, they divert it to God. They accept blame quite readily though. How is one supposed to develop self-esteem in such an environment? How is one supposed to know what one can accomplish?
2. A lot of my Christianity had to do with thought control. Not only were the actions of breaking the ten commandments wrong, the desire or imagination of such actions was wrong. One learns to constantly self-edit, lest they sin in thought and be damned. We are taught that confession is good for the soul and that "he who says he has no sin is a liar", so you are caught in a continual perpetual system of guilt and confession.
3. Instead of learning from the experiences and thoughts of others, I was completely isolated in Christian community. I didn't listen to secular music for a long time, because it was "of the devil" and would lead me astray. I didn't read secular literature for the same reason. I felt that books like The Chrysalids were demonic and resented having to read them in high school. I did not learn about other religions because they were demonic. I did not read anything by atheists because they were deceived. I did not date non-Christians because they would "pull me down". In short, I didn't listen to any other viewpoint, and I certainly didn't value the right of others to disagree. Christians were right and the rest of the world lived in darkness.
4. I feel like I am not a Christian anymore because there's something wrong with me. That's how I've explained it, too, by saying 'I can't make it work anymore,' 'I'm just too tired,' etc. I'm starting to see that this is not true. The problem doesn't lie with me. Being intellectual and skeptical is not bad, they are good and healthy traits. Doubting is the sign of an active mind. Rejecting double-think after so many years is a really good step to take.
I am trying to read this book slowly so that I can really process what is happening in my life, but it is so GOOD that I find myself devouring it long into the wee hours of the morning.
I think I'm going to go back over some old journals to try to delve into this deeper.
I am not feeling so sad anymore. In fact, I'm beginning to get angry about what I was taught. I hope that I am able to truly feel what is going on instead of relying on old habits of trying to make things okay by pretending they're okay.
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