Devious: 11 November 2003
Yesterday night, I called my mom and I was devious. I asked her what she thought of (my sister) M not being a Christian. She kind of hedged for a bit, but got into it when I pressed the issue. She said that it's M's life and she's free to do what she wants. Also, she doesn't feel that it reflects badly on her as a parent. She thinks that M will eventually come back because the Bible says to teach a child in the way she should go and when she is old she will not depart from it. However, if she doesn't, that won't change Mom's opinion of her. So, this tells me a few things. Mom will be okay. She may be surprised, but she won't take it personally, and she won't be judgemental or preachy. It was funny though, she asked me, "Why? What do you think of it?" and I said, "I'm fine with it," and she said, "Really?!" and I said, "It's her life." and she was expecting me to be very judgemental. We also had a "by the way, I swear a lot" talk too, so I suppose we're doing this gradually. I love my mom.
I've been reading Leaving the Fold. I'm really liking it, but feeling the need to hide it all the time, like it's porn or something. Anyways, I'm learning a lot from it, about myself and the religion. I'm starting to see Marx's point that religion is the opiate of the masses. Religion is control. Contorl of the world, of your destiny, of your kids, of your world, of your church members. Religion is being controlled, restricting your thoughts and desires, using doublethink, glossing over inconsistency, believing out of fear, getting self-worth outside of self. I never noticed how much the doctrine of total depravity affects everything else. Today I learned some things:
1. I am not inherently bad, sinful, shameful, stained.
2. I don't deserve to be crucified.
We teach #2 to five-year-olds? Now I'm seeing where the anger comes from. What else did I realise today...
1. Half the point of constant proselytising is to re-convince yourself. It avoids cognitive dissonance.
2. Phobia of leaving is established by emphasis on "lostness" and wickedness of the world.
3. Conversion experience is not concrete, leaves room for doubt that you did it "right," + fear of damnation = becoming a Christian several times as a kid, just to make sure.
4. Bad things = me, good things = God. Can't accept praise. Perfectionist. Very hard on self.
5. Religion fulfills need to be accepted, solves problem of being unpopular, because provides social network and belonging.
The study of Christianity in the context of mind control techniques is interesting. I know I tried to control my thoughts, lest I be damned, lest I sin. And the wages of sin is death? ANY sin? Ridiculous. Only seemed right because it was familiar.
I need to read this slower so I can process it.
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