letter to a friend also struggling with the faith
I've been struggling with the question of why would God order the mass murder of children. I'm not sure if this will make sense to you(my guess is you'd understand this better than most) but I need this to work. Being a christian is big part of my identity, what I really want is someone to give me an explanation that makes this not seem like such a horrible thing.
I know you need it to work. That was actually one of the major questions that wrecked it for me. I needed it to work because (here's a list, because my head works that way!):
1. God is love.
2. God commanded genocide.
3. Genocide is anything but loving.
doesn't work, not all at the same time. Explanations usually run along the lines of "well, they were really bad people" and that never did it for me, either because I saw that the Israelites were bad people too and would have been seen as worse people by the Philistines since they were the aggressors and were going around killing and taking land. Also, the command to hamstring the horses seemed really bad to me, because it's cruel to do to an animal, and it serves no purpose. The horses did nothing wrong, and they would have been great for the Israelite army. So that never made sense, seemed like cruelty for the sake of cruelty.
So, I was left with "God is love except when he's commanding genocide" which isn't good enough for me. Basically, my turning point was realising that I don't call that good and that I don't want to serve a God who would command that. I think it's an ugly thing, and I refuse to call it perfect or holy or love. Umm... so, I stopped.
I also know you need it to work because so much of your identity is wrapped up in it. That's a hard thing, I totally understand, it's something I'm still rethinking. Remember the "Who I Am In Christ" sheets? I am a child of God, I am redeemed, I am... on and on? One of the first things I did after deconverting was to make a list for myself of who I am on my own, and this was hard at first, but once you get started it's okay.
Basically, here is the thing. I was a Christian, now I am not. I am still the same person. I am still fond of harmless pranks, still a Monty Python fan, people still won't debate with me for fear of losing, I still read as much as ever, my room is still a mess. I'm not going to tell you that being Christian isn't a big part of your identity, but we were taught to see it as the whole of our identity, and that's just not true. You are a brother, and a roommate, and an incredibly empathetic and honest friend regardless. Those things won't change. YOU will continue to exist with or without your faith. Besides, your faith will affect you until the day you die, that will always be part of my character because it's so much of my childhood, and it will always help me make decisions. As Ben Folds Five says, you can't escape your redneck past. ;)
I'm not saying that's an easy thing at all, but it is a do-able thing.
I'm also not saying that you WANT to find an identity outside of Christ. I know it's scary, and frustrating, and what will the family think, and how do you tell your friends, and what would my life be like without church, and if not this version of God then what to believe, and what if I'm just being stupid and I end up in hell for being dumb and refusing to have faith (or as I'm calling it lately, "put up and shut up"), and what do you do when your worldview falls to pieces?
So, here is what I'm saying. What am I saying? Umm... I'm saying fight it out in your head, ask the questions, look for the answers, have your battle. Try the "call to me and I will answer you"/"seek and you will find" thing for as long as you need to. If Christianity is right, then God will hear you and answer you. If you call and call and call and get no answer, then that will be another thing to try to figure out and reconcile.
As long as you want it to work, you will look for a way to make it work. As long as you believe it, your question will be "how does this work?" not "does this work?", and the "how" question implies that you have faith, that you think that it DOES work. So, don't be afraid to ask the question. The question "how" is not a question that Christianity should have a problem with, you are allowed to ask that question without having lost your faith, you are allowed to go there. It is okay. Ask the questions.
Either way, though, if you figure out that it works or if you figure out that it doesn't, you will be fine. It's a horrible process, but it's a fine solution. I'm not going to lie to you, losing my faith was probably the most traumatic thing I've ever done. But I feel that I'm better off. And if you question your faith and it becomes stronger, then that's a good thing too.
Either way, I understand, I know it's horrible to go through, and I know you will survive. And I hope you know that you can call or email or MSN anytime. I won't try to deconvert you, I will let you rant and I will tell you what my own experience has been, but your decision is your own.
Here's my thinking on deconversion, evangelisation, etc.:
Take my friend RH. I went to [bible college #1] with him and he goes to a different bible college now. When faced with the genocide question and particularly with the question of whether genocide is wrong, he said "it depends". Well, I find that shocking and grotesque, but I understand why he would say such a thing. He believes God is completely good, so in the case that God commands genocide, then it can't be bad, or his worldview falls apart. So he believes that it depends. My point is this: I would not be able to argue him out of his faith, ever ever ever, because he believes it. It's not up for question. If it means saying genocide is okay sometimes, that's fine by him. He's not deconvert-able. Why not? Because even he can't change what he believes, so I certainly couldn't. He believes it, it is true to him, there is no possible way he can change that.
Take me for instance. I no longer believe it. I can't MAKE myself believe it, anymore than you could suddenly start believing in Zeus. You just don't, it's silly, you can't make yourself believe that Zeus is alive and well and sadly neglected. I find myself unable to believe in Jesus as God any longer. I didn't choose that, though I did ask a lot of questions and it was a process. I woke up one day and I was out, church felt foreign, the bible didn't ring true, my christian friends were weird and said things I didn't agree with. Did I choose that? Well... I don't know. Did I choose to question things? I don't even know that. Would I have been able to stop asking questions? Could you not wonder about God killing children anymore? Can you turn questions off?
My point is that neither my unbelief nor RH's belief can be changed through argument. Yours can't either. It's a personal journey, it's a personal process, you either believe or you don't and I'm not sure how much choice you have about it. I know that four years ago I wouldn't have been able to deconvert, and now I'm not able to convert.
My goodness this is a long email. Okay, in a nutshell: I understand your frustration, I will be there for you regardless of the conclusion you come to. And I think your family and good friends will too.
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