Well, stuff at V and A's was okay. I didn't tell them and I didn't really feel bad about it. Tonight I'm at JB's and we got to talking about various theological questions and he asked me how I deal with them and I told him that I'm not calling myself a Christian anymore. He thinks that I should leave a door open for faith, a way out of unbelief. I see his point, but I disagree. We just made different decisions about what to do with questions, and that's okay (with me at least).
It has been hard to be here, to keep my mouth shut and listen to worship music and feel very at home and out of place at the same time. I wonder what going home home will feel like. I get the impression that I'm a very negative person. I would like to change that. But I've been dealing with a lot of stuff and been quite frustrated lately, so this is me. I'm not necessarily happy with much. Oh well. I don't have to display the "joy of the Lord" anymore, I can just be cranky if I want. JB thinks that depending only on your mind is bad. I think my mind and my books and my gut is all I have to go on. My gut tells me that good beings don't command genocide or punish beings forever. Funny, my mind agrees. Maybe someday I'll return. I feel quite unstable, blown by the wind.
To research: Mithras, Dionysius, Attis, Isis, New Testament Apocrypha, Canon - why did those books get picked?, goodness of God + genocide, atheism + moral system, tolerance vs. defending the good.
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