Crisis of Faith: 08 September 2003
I am going through a crisis of faith. I was raised Christian, and I was a zealot for a while, and then I got into a bad cult-ish "church" for about 2 years that messed with me, after which I took a year off of the whole church thing and then went to bible college for two years. I went to bible college because I knew my theology was whacked, and I wanted to fix it. I took Systematic Theology for a year and went through all of the doctrines step by step and opened up a lot of cans of worms and read some beautiful creeds and theological writings and had plenty of healthy debates and a few fights.
I've been out of bible college for four months, and now I'm going to a public university to pursue Linguistics. I am in no way the stereotypical Bible-thumping, fundamentalist 'Christian' that it seems everyone (including myself) fears and loathes. I was pushing the limit this summer by pushing for gay marriage rights in my little Christian community. I like science, a lot. I have to laugh at Christians who say scornfully that carbon-dating is fundamentally flawed, despite the fact that they are religious studies students (or, even worse, youth ministry majors) and they haven't taken science since grade 11. Of course, they are the first to turn around and be angry if a science student says that the Bible is full of errors.
The point of that particular tangent is that they are right and wrong. The religious studies student doesn't know shit about the supposed worthlessness of carbon-dating unless they've done a lot of science research on the side (and only about 1% actually have), and the science student doesn't know shit about the supposed errors in the Bible unless they've done lots of theological research on the side (and only about 1% actually have). You don't talk shit about something you haven't researched, let's not be stupid here. We need to admit when we have no idea what we're talking about, rather than just writing it off as wrong or stupid.
So, I don't have a clue about the origins of the universe aside from my very limited scientific education and my somewhat-less-limited religious education, and I think they are both valuable. Is Genesis literal? Well, it could be, but there are a lot of translation issues, that I could go into. Heck, why not, here's one of the issues:
The Hebrew word translated "day" is "yom". This word is used for periods of time that are longer and shorter than a 24-hour-day as well. So, the Hebrew Scriptures also contain the text, "in the yom that the Pharaohs reigned", which we know was thousands of years. So, just because some English translators decided that the 'yom' in Genesis 1 means a 24 hour day doesn't necessarily mean that it does. I mean, yes, we have the "and there was evening and there was morning, the Nth day" which certainly gives an image of a 24 hour day, but whatever. The issue is still there. Can you interpret Genesis 1 in a way that accommodates the Big Bang Theory and Darwin's theory of evolution? Yes, and many Christians do. That doesn't undermine the biblical text.
Now, without a basic education in Old Testament interpretation and hermeneutics, a science student is only left with an invariably insufficient English text (all translations are imperfect, though some are less imperfect than others) and some possibly stupid preaching and Christian books that are usually crap, if you go with what's been published lately. I can understand why many come to the conclusion that it's hopelessly incomplete and full of contradictions. Religion is full of symbols and terms that are only used in sacred halls and it is hard to understand without work. My theology prof a couple of years back said, "theology can only be done from within Christianity -- otherwise it is only religious studies". It takes a saturation and a meditation. It takes time and hard work to really "get" it, and it is important for people like me to remember that at the heart of it, there are more questions than answers, that the answers aren't conclusive, aren't measurable. I was reading something by Jean Vanier the other day and he was talking about people driven to seek God out of loneliness and how loneliness drives that forward because a longing for God is insatiable -- you can't handle all of God, but once you taste a bit, you are never satisfied with less than all, never satisfied with less than something that is too much for you, too big, too mysterious.
I am afraid that I might be heading towards a time that I would ditch on Christianity, as many of my closest friends have done. It scares me and hurts me because so much of my self is wrapped up in this endeavour and I don't know who I am without it. I'm not sure what the point of anything is without it. I don't want life without Christ, it is entirely unattractive to me. Sometimes I fear that the choice is between Jesus and suicide. The thought of ditching on it fills me with sadness, with grief, and it is strong and potent and I fear that people don't understand that. It's not just because I don't know how to operate in a world without it, it's because I've been in love with this story for my entire life.
I think about this all the time. I write about it when I doodle. I dream about it. I try to figure it out, and I think about praying about it, though I haven't dared to approach that one yet. I don't like praying lightly, I don't like to approach the Creator arrogantly. There should be a holy reluctance to pray, I think, for it to be true prayer.
My heart is breaking, and I'm hoping I find a way back into faith before the door closes.
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