Lonely: 08 November 2003
I didn't go to church today and I barely thought about it. Didn't feel like a Sunday at all. I suppose I'll relearn what Sundays feel like.
I hope people tomorrow aren't very overtly evangelical. I'm sure JA will pray for us and tell me how God is "moving" in her life, which will be weird. It was weird before.
I feel weird because suddenly I find so many things that have been normal for so long, just strange and sometimes offensive.
I kind of miss Jesus. I talked to him so much and thought that someday we could be together and that he was always affirming me and being with me... and now I have no one, not even someone who lives in my heart. I'm alone now, and I do talk to him without realising and then I remember that I've decided he's not there, and I wonder... what if he is there? This is the worst kind of self-doubt. How can I ever know? I can't. I can't know what's possible here, because we're talking about gods, which are not definable like atoms. They're unpredictable and bendable.
What am I without you... (Twila Paris)
Not a clue. Just a bookworm now, stuck with a great library and no social life.
<--sooner · later-->
<-- Faith Dissolved