Settling a Bit: 06 November 2003
Must be disciplined and keep writing. I didn't go to church last week. I told JP and SM that I don't consider myself a Christian anymore and they were very... not understanding, but loving. They want me to keep coming, and being honest. So, we'll try that for a while. It's nice not to have pretenses. I do hope it goes half as well with the parents.
It hasn't bothered me this week. Last week I was a mess, crying all the time and panicking and just being generally freaked out. But now I'm getting used to it and just living with me and seeing how it goes. I would like to have some absolutes, but perhaps I don't need them for now.
I'm not scared. Well, I haven't thought about death much, but I'm not afraid to live. I can just go and not worry about messing up. All those worries died with my idea of "God's will for your life." Now I can make my own decisions for my own reasons. It is liberating. I feel more alive. I feel almost more hope. Is it hope? Perhaps that's not quite the right word. And, yes, I can see myself drawing closer to atheism. Not sure that it is not just another blindly followed belief system though. There seem to be as many atheist evangelists as Christian ones. I don't want in there.
Problems arise only when I try to think of where to build community. Church filled a social need, for sure. I suppose there are school clubs and stuff. That's another thing with being at a small campus, there's not so many clubs.
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