I still have quite frequent impulses to pray. Not because I need something or I miss God or anything like that, it's just a habit. For instance, I went for a walk the other day (because spring is finally coming to the Great White North!) and I used to go for a lot of walks and talk to God, so my instinct was to pray. It's weird now, because I have a half-second where I start to pray and then I realise all over again, "Oh. You're not there, are you? And you never were."
I'm trying to figure out two things right now:
1) What am I feeling about my current atheism? Am I mad at God? Well, I probably would be if he actually existed, but he doesn't, so I'm not. Do I miss God? No, I think that the Christian God is a jerk, I'm glad he's not part of my life anymore. But I do miss the 'relationship', I think. I miss having someone to talk to on long walks and the feeling that someone knew everything about me and loved me completely.
2) What was that relationship? I don't believe in God, so what do I do with memories of times when I thought I was hearing from God? Was I talking to myself? Was I crazy? Was I reassuring myself? And if it was me talking to me, can I re-implement that? It is not the same if I talk to myself, I don't really know how to do that. But I miss talking to God, I think, I phrased things differently for him... I feel like I've lost a 'voice' along with my faith, and I want it back dammit.
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