Reassured: 03 April 2002
I just realised how much God saved me from. I never really thought about the hopelessness and the constant focus on the present and disregard for consequences. I never thought that I would see how useless a life that is not centred on God really is, but I have seen it. I thought that I was doing so badly spiritually, but I desire God so much, and that is awesome. This year has really helped me. I didn't think that I had changed, but now I think that I have. My mind has expanded, I have realised fundamental truths, I have reached a point where I think I can say that I am firmly committed to Christ. I don't want to back off, I want to pursue Him. It's not that I'm going to go to 'falling down churches' (as S. refers to them) or even get that much into wacko worship again, but I am concentrating on becoming good, becoming Christ-like. I want to reflect Him. I want to live in a way that He will be pleased with. I don't want Him to be dissatisfied with my offerings, I don't want him to be upset with me for constantly screwing up and pretending that I'm stuck when I'm not. I want Him to assure me as I grow, and reward me with the peace and quiet joy that he's assuring me with right now. I feel so much happier now that I ever have. I feel like I've gotten saved. Last week, I remember I was thinking about the whole election-predestination concept, and feeling nervous, feeling that maybe I wasn't saved. I did not feel assured. Right now, I feel totally assured. I still feel weird around the concept, about the ramifications and such, but I don't feel nervous towards God. I feel an immense relief. I just want to let out with a big happy sigh, I want to hug God for everything and nothing all at the same time.
<--sooner · later-->
<-- Faith Dissolved