Leaving Mentorship: 01 November 2003
Trying to decide whether or not to go to church tomorrow. It seems like torture right now, but I'm supposed to get together with E. on Monday to have the "I'm an apostate" talk. Since church is really the only place I see her... Also, there's R to think about. I don't want to ditch on her, just church, but I feel bad about it.
Tomorrow we have a meeting with JP and SM and I still haven't decided what to say. I have no idea what to do, and I have to make this decision on my own. I don't have the option of praying and waiting for the decision.
DB would be so sad... when I think of people like him, I want back in.
Okay, I have to think about JP and SM. Here's what I know: they'll want to know what I want to do with the group. And I don't know that.
Maybe I can leave it up to them. Except that they're too nice to kick me out, even if it can't work. What would I even want out of it? I used to want to keep my faith, someone to pull me back. Now I just don't want to argue with them. I don't even want to say why I don't believe, because I know they do, and I don't want to mess with that. How did I get to be someone who doesn't think religion is bad, just bad for me? This is relativism... or is it?
I think I will call R tonight and have her come over after church. Don't think I'll go.
<--sooner · later-->
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