Atheist Adjectives: 01 May 2004
I have been thinking about atheism lately. For some reason, I find it really hard to say I'm an atheist. 'Agnostic' is okay, but 'atheist' gets the heart pounding. It's like when I first tried to say out loud that I'm not a Christian. Very difficult. I can say that I act like an atheist, but I always qualify it like that—"for all intents and purposes," "might as well be an atheist," "don't make decisions with reference to a god"—but I can't say "I'm an atheist." I can say I'm like an atheist, but I need the qualifier. And it's not just for other people, this is self-talk as well. I have this conception that atheism is a failing, a disappointment, a cop-out. A black mark. A deficiency. But at the same time, I have no room in my head for a god. I don't believe in that. So, without theism. A-theist. Other than theist. No belief in god(s). Godless. That has negative connotations too—morally deficient, evil, sinful, depraved, dangerous. Maybe I am unwilling to admit to atheism ("admit," like you admit your failings, your blemishes) because I am unwilling to say that I'm a bad person. I'm not a bad person, I'm kind and generous and smart and happy and funny and loyal. Adding the adjective "atheist" taints the list somehow. Non-theist seems better. Atheist communists. Atheist Hitler (untrue, but still connected in some people's minds). Atheist lack of compassion. Selfish atheist.
Atheist: no compassion, selfish, materialism, hitler, communist china, torture, restricts free speech, persecutors, terse, dangerous, depraved, amoral, gruff. Me.
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