So, I was getting ready for bed last night, and as I was taking off my shirt, my glasses got caught and SNAPPED IN TWO, THE BASTARDS!



I'm going to try my luck with contact cement, and also find some new glasses, because I've had these for four years and they're clearly at the end of their lifespan. I've been thinking about doing it for a while, I guess this is the kick in the ass I've been waiting for.

Anti-depressant update: So, now I'm on the "lowest dose every other day" phase and ... yeah, still not so fun! The first day that I didn't take anything, my brain kind of freaked out and went back into paranoid-anxiety mode, and then I got to be all anxious about my anxiety (what if this doesn't work? what if I have to be on pills for the rest of my life? what if I'll just go back to being crazy?! -- with the added bonus of almost crying on the subway) which is just a catch-22 because ... I have an anxiety disorder. And now it's making me anxious about itself.

Along with that, I've been feeling dizzy at random times. It's okay if I don't do much, but the second I actually get myself out and about and start walking around and doing things, it's like I'm stuck in the first millisecond of an elevator ride. I'll be standing completely still and my brain is going "whoa, hey now" and telling me that I'm moving when I'm clearly not. It's also like (and now I realise that I may be the only person who does this) when you spin around a bunch of times and then you're super-dizzy, so you spin around the other way to make counter-waves in your head and it feels super-weird, but you get over the dizziness a lot faster. Except that I'm standing still.

All of that said, I didn't take anything yesterday and aside from the dizziness, I felt fine. No intrusive thoughts, no paranoia, no being on the verge of crying. So, I think my brain has figured out what I'm doing and decided to stop being so lazy and actually make these chemicals for itself. I don't know if I've blogged about this before, but that's the whole point of going on anti-depressants. See, before you hit 30, your brain is still teachable in some areas. So, if it's not making enough of a certain chemical, you can feed it for a good six months and it will figure out that it needs that level of chemical, and then when you ease it down, it starts compensating and making the chemical on its own. Obviously, for things like caffeine and nicotine and heroin addictions, this doesn't work because our brains don't make those chemicals naturally. However, the chemicals in the shit I've been taking should have been there all along, so my brain is catching on to that now and can pick up the slack, and that means that I can go off anti-depressants and still feel normal, which is nice!

This little monster took a couple hours this afternoon, though I had to debate with Metro a bit about whether yarn is crocheting material or a kitty toy. We came to a compromise: the bulk of the yarn is for crocheting, and the scraps are for attaching to the scratching post because he won't touch it otherwise. Weird cat. Have I mentioned that he has a constant supply of water, but if we have a glass out, he'll drink from it? Don't get me wrong, he's cute, but I've seen him clean his ass with his tongue enough times that sharesies isn't an option.

Yep, York doesn't get pretty until classes are over. But I'm working there for much of the summer, so I get to enjoy it. :)

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I should be done my anti-depressants in about 2 weeks time. I went to the doctor last Monday and we started ramping them down. Here's the deal. I've been on Effexor XR for a while. XR stands for extended release, which means I just take one pill a day and it releases it a bit at a time, rather than taking it five or six times a day, which would be a pain in the ass. My dosage schedule has looked something like this:

1. last 2 weeks of July: 37.5 mg/day (1 little pill)
2. first 2 weeks of August: 75 mg/day (1 big pill OR 2 little pills)
3. then until January 21: 112.5 mg/day (1 big pill AND 1 little pill)
4. Jan. 21 to April 18: 75 mg/day
5. April 18 to April 25: 37.5 mg/day
6. April 25 to whenever: 37.5 mg every other day until I run out (about a week and a half)

I could have come off of them in January, but my doctor said he wanted to wait until the sun was out more just in case that messed things up for me. This is one of the many reasons that I love my doctor. The thing is, Effexor doesn't just make me less of a paranoid anxious crazy person, it also has a few side effects that come and go, and have come back since I came down to the 37.5 mg/day dosage. That's right, night sweats and extremely vivid dreams! They'rrrrrrrre back! Shiiiiiit. Hey, at least it's not playing hide and seek with my libido, right? RIGHT?

Speaking of which, I've been reading this book this week called What Should I Do With My Life?: The True Story of People Who Answered the Ultimate Question, by Po Bronson, and I just finished a chapter about a guy who kind of jumps from one thing to another and finally just says, "actually, my true passion is to help people by teaching them to play golf better" and the author says "well, then do that, stop listening to people who tell you it's stupid and get out there and try it!" I've been thinking about alternate paths for my life to go because I am a big fan of back-up plans and I don't want to absolutely no-way-out commit myself to academia. The fact is, I really like living in Toronto, but there are only two universities here, only one of which would offer courses that I would really like to teach, and even if York did hire me, I might get sick of York administrative bullshit or I might get tired of teaching or something, and then what? So, I've been thinking about alternative options, and one of the things that I've realised lately is this: I want to teach girls about sex, their bodies, and correct the scads of misinformation and shame that gets piled on them from all sides. I've gotten in more than a few discussions this year with friends about our sex lives, and it bothers me that "stretch the hymen beforehand so that the first time doesn't rip it" and "if you're worried about it hurting, try girl-on-top so you're more in control and can back off if you need to, plus its a more stimulating position for women anyways" is radical and/or frequently unmentionable advice. I have no idea why I'm 24 and have learned so much astounding stuff about my body in the last year that I feel like I should have known all along. I don't understand why the diagram in the tampon box is not accurate, or why they would not change it when I'm sure that it's the reason that many women can't figure out how to use them without it hurting. So, I wouldn't mind running something like Good for Her or helping to run the seminars there. Heck, maybe I'll publish a book with lots of saucy diagrams someday. ;)

Another thing that I would like to do, and probably have the organizational skills to pull off, would be to design and sell crocheted tops and bags and slippers and skirts and monsters and... whatever else I happen to fancy. :) And knitted stuff, too, I've got to get on that bandwagon. Apparantly knitted stuff is more stretchy than crocheted stuff, so I'm going to have to figure that out if I decide to go the clothes route. Also: sewing! Why don't I know how to do this? I need to get a sewing machine, pronto. And yarn dying and spinning and felting and... heh.

And I want to write. Write and read and ponder and write and ponder and ponder and erase and edit and re-write and slowly churn out something Dillard-esque.

So, with a combination of a free brazilian bikini pattern and the crossed-bar stitch, I made my first summer top:



Oh, and I got the yarn from an extra-large sweater that I bought for 12 bucks at Value Villlage and frogged (rip-it! rip-it!). And you guys thought that crocheting was for making granny squares... sheesh. (craftster post here)

Sorry I haven't been blogging lately. I think I'm taking a break from pondering, so I don't have much to say. After exams, my brain says, "okay, that's enough cramming and pondering and near-exploding for the month. take a break!" (My brain doesn't capitalize, sue me.) If I still lived in a place with a piano, I would be playing a lot, because it uses such a different part of your brain and that's so relaxing in the midst of academia craziness. Instead, I've been crocheting like mad, which has a similar effect and has the added bonus of being portable and (relatively) cheap.

I had an idea for a wicked linguistics thesis a while back, one that I could easily spend 2-5 years on. See, I've been thinking about sex discourses a lot lately, and whether porn is really bad and whether it devalues women and one of the things that I, as a linguistics student, wonder about is the dialogue in porn. So, who's to say I couldn't take 2 years and watch and transcribe a lot of porn dialogue and analyze the discourses being brought up and constructed? Plus: porn rentals would fall under thesis materials, so I could use my funding to pay for it. Another bonus would be telling my fundamentalist relatives what I'm doing in school these days when they ask politely at family gatherings. Hahahaha... "Well, Aunt Diane, I watch porn over and over because transcribing is hard work and you have to pause and rewind every few seconds (this is aggravatingly true), and I analyze whether "you like that, don't you, you dirty girl?" is a power-play or not. I compare and contrast gay and hetero porn, that made by men vs. women, etc..." It's rather tempting, and I know the Linguistics/Women's Studies departments at York would go for it and make sure I was well-funded.

I'm done exams. Yes, I know, most of you aren't yet, and you hate me, but ... I'M DONE!! YAY!!

For some insight into my linguistics geek qualifications, you should know that I emailed my Syntax professor today to ask some follow-up questions about various tense features. Yes, the class is over. No, I do not need to know these ultra-specific things. But I was curious, goddammit, and I want to know how modals get tense! She replied saying, among other things, that she enjoyed having me in the class, which is teacher-speak for "you, young grasshopper, are a bonafide linguistics geek and it thrills this syntactician's heart!"

Also, sometimes I toy with the idea of becoming a syntactician, simply because I would be allowed to throw the phrase "morphosyntactic properties" around whenever I wanted to. Chris approves of this idea, since he says that "morphosyntactic" sounds like something the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would yell. While that was not my immediate motivation, it is clearly a bonus.

I took the day off today and spent the whole day (quite literally) looking at crochet patterns on the internet. I am so obsessed, and so desperately seeking pretty crocheted tank tops.

Chris and I have been trying to decide lately what to learn about this summer. I have a tradition of researching something that has nothing to do with my discipline during the summer, since my extra-curricular reading gets cut way down during the school year. Last year, I spent August reading about evolution. Possibilities so far:
- cooking (we started last saturday: mussels sautéed in white wine, mmm)
- programming C (a specific kind, I forget which, since this was Chris's project)
- how to use a sewing machine (clearly mine)
- French, speaking and listening comprehension
- history of sex education (my project)
Suggestions are welcome. :)

My ex-Christian list has been discussing irritating over-played all-126-verses worship songs, and here's what we have so far:
- I Love You Loooooooooooooord
- Give Thanks (with a grateful heart)
- As The Deer (panteth for the water)
- I Worship You, Almighty God (there is none like you)
- Our God Reigns
- Shine, Jesus, Shine
- Lord, I lift your name on high
- Just As I Am
- Our God is an Awesome God

All of these songs, along with several hymns (which my Christian roommates never recognize!) have been stuck in my head for years, and if my fellow extian's experiences are a good indication, will be stuck there until death do us part. Crap!

In conclusion, may I present a hymn that I altered for our cat, Watson, and which neither of my roommates recognized, a fact which simultaneously astounds and appalls me (original lyrics here):
All that thrills my soul is Watson,
He is all the world to me (to me)

I posted a few of my recently finished projects over at craftster.org. Check it out to see the elephant I finished this morning. :)

This weekend I've made some slippers:


Last weekend, Melissa came over, so let me introduce you to my oh-so-saucy sister:


And Christopher thinking of what crêpe to get:


And then Christopher stealing MY crêpe:


Dirty looks for the camera:


And nicer ones:


Last night, I went to a surprise bridal shower for Nora, who lived across the hall from me at Tyndale and graced me with many speed Scrabble games in the wee hours of the morning and highly entertaining stories:

The hat was an obligatory part of the shower, and I got her a saucy present. Yay!

Also yesterday, Christopher and I went to the PubliCity gallery showing, and it was very nice and I really wanted to bring more than a few of the photos home, but alas, I am poor and good artwork is not cheap. We also looked around a few really cool stores in the east end of downtown, and we found a really swell antique store on King Street (near Jarvis? maybe?) with an Underwood Typewriter and really old clocks and desks and toys and stuff, it was neat. Also, quite near to it is Art on King which is like a year-round version of the One of a Kind Show, I'm certain I recognized artisans there. They have really swank handmade dishes and paintings and jewelry and hand-made cards and sock monkeys and WOW. So much stuff that I am amazed by in such a small space! Also in our exploration was the St. Lawrence Market, where I got kumquats and cheese curd. Mmmmmm.... curd... I'm so glad that I've found a place in the city to get FRESH curd. It's one of the things I miss about living (almost) within spitting distance of dairy farmers. :)

Classes are done, one take-home exam to hand in on the 5th, two exams on the 8th, one exam on the 11th, and then I am DONE DONE DONE. Done like DINNER. Well, not done like dinner, more done like "woo-hoo, let summer BEGIN!". Yay!