I had a pretty stressful weekend, and I'm not at liberty to discuss that situation here. I'm tired of it. That's all I'm going to say about that, because I too dislike it when people use blogs for thinly veiled comments on social situations.

I'm behind on studying, and quite frustrated with the professors of my Ideology course, and I have a midterm in it tomorrow. However, I have decided that I like Nietzsche, at least part of his writings, and I'll blog about that later.

My Intro to Linguistics prof from last year, the one that told me she would hire me as her T.A. in fourth year if I transferred to Queens University, emailed me yesterday asking me to tutor one of her Intro students. Yay for extra money and job experience! I love Hitay, she's a wonderful prof and a very quirky and funny person, whom I really need to take out for coffee one of these days. I want to take everyone out for coffee. I think Chris and I should take David Miller out for coffee one of these days, he would be interesting to talk to. I really wish Robert Munsch lived in Toronto, because I would TOTALLY buy a coffee for him. Maybe we could convince him to read The Paper Bag Princess to us. :)

This morning, I decided that I would like to get a cat someday and name it Chicken. I don't know why 'Chicken' appeals to me so much, but I find myself calling my cat that even now, when he's not being Satan. Or, if it was a girl kitten, I would like to name her John Stamos after the girl kitten in Diesel Sweeties.

From Letters to Clango:

Hi Clango,
Could you fill me in on why you decided to call your new kitty "John Stamos"? I don't quite understand.
-Jonathan

Chalk this up as a case of "weird for weird's sake." I was grossed out after seeing a picture of the Olson Twins on some news site and I figured John Stamos was a terribly innapropriate name for a female kitten.

I figure there's no point naming a cat if it's not going to make you snicker most of the time. It's not like they listen to you anyways. :) That could be why one of our old dogs was named Megabyte...

There is Christmas music playing, and my Muslim coworker is singing along. There is a Christmas tree and decorative wreathes all over the place. There is a bucket of candy canes at the front desk. There is free egg nog and brownies and chocolate cake and (my favourite) chai tea, as well as a whole cupboard of other teas. I'd say that I have a pretty good work environment. :)

I have a midterm in a week. A week after that, exams start. I think I can, I think I can... One more assignment left, in my Discourse Analysis class, and it's going to be fun. We have to figure out what the discourse marker "whatever" means. Like, in this (entirely hypothetical!) context:

Chris: Aww, poor baby, did you have a dream that you got a 63%?
Me: Whatever.

But not this context:

Whatever you may think, I'm not scared of low marks, I'm scared of being stupid and therefore not being able to accomplish my goals, dumbass. ;)

In other news, I posted my first question on AskMetafilter. I'm still so excited about having an actual account there, it makes it SO much more addictive.

Things I've been thinking about recently:
- "I was so offended!" "Yeah, no, that's totally inappropriate." Why do we say "yeah, no"? What does that mean? And why is it never "yes, no"?
- Bush vs. Saddam: why is Bush (and most other people) referred to by his last name in headlines, but Saddam is ALWAYS referred to by his first name? Is Hussein just too long? Does this happen with any other (current/former) world leader? (Blair, Arafat, Martin, Chirac, Sharon but never Tony, Yassar, Paul, Jaques, Ariel)
- The graduate degrees I want to take are at York. But having three degrees from the same place is ... well, kind of dumb. You don't get a well-rounded education that way. But I don't like/think I would get into the programs at University of Toronto, they're not teaching the things I want to know. At least, I don't think I can manipulate their programs enough to find out what I want to know. But I could do that at York. But... argh. There's always UVic, with their billions of interdisciplinary degrees, but that is in Victoria. World, why aren't you cooperating?
- I get to see Badly Drawn Boy on Friday! Yay!!
- I know at least five mothers/fathers of my friends who have died when their kids are still under 25. Is that a lot? (for reference: Jane Poelman (cancer), Kathleen Morgan (cancer), Ria Hoogendam (lupus), Sharon Flegle (Lou Gehrig's disease), Jim Hagerman (suicide?))
- I want a dog. Right now. Alternately, I want a friend with a dog, so I can play with it but not pay for it or clean up after it. And not one of those little yappy dogs either, I want a REAL dog. If it can't beat my cat in a fight, it doesn't count.

I am finally a member of MeFi! I've only been waiting for a good three years... Definitely the best $5USD I've spent all week. :)

More marks came in:
Discourse Analysis midterm: A+
Ideology Short Essay #1: A

w00t, at this rate, my GPA will be over the 8.0/9.0 mark by next semester! Which means two things: better odds for grad schools loving me, and better odds for scholarships/bursaries/research grants.

I had an upsetting dream last night that I got my Language and Power essay back, which I worked so hard on and am so happy with, and I got 63% and the TA had written long mean comments on the back side of every page, all about how wrong I was and how much I sucked. It made me pretty sad, and then I woke up and told Chris about it and HE LAUGHED AT ME. But I pinched him, and you know he deserved it.

I have discovered the Dutch Conspiracy: If we add licorice to every piece of candy, the entire world will become addicted. I'm trying to stop eating the Hoestabletten, I really am.

Note to my dad: I finished your toque and if it were for a girl, I would say it was really saucy, but you are not a girl, so it is... cool. Kiuuuuwul, if you prefer. ;) You will be so warm and stylish in it that the Americans will stop you on the road and say, "Pray tell, sir, where did you get that wonderful garment for your head?" and you will say, "My Canadian daughter made it for me, it is a toque," and then they will all immigrate in their sudden lust for warm and stylin' head-wear. I mean, honestly, have you ever seen Dubya in a toque? Can you picture that? Ridiculous. I would think that would be reason enough to leave the country. Can I get an amen, Aaron? Gina?

"Have you ever looked at an ape?" Dr. Bramble asked. "They have no buns."

from Humans born to run, The Globe and Mail

I have always hated rap music, hiphop, whatever. Of course, I was always only exposed to the extremely marketed crap that is on the radio, and the lyrics of those songs are sooooooo stupid. Sometime last year, Bedroom Music for Bedroom People was linked on MetaFilter, which is a series of mixes by someone called CPI. I found that there was a lot of rap in his mixes that I like, particularly in his mix, Lyrical Ontology, which was "commissioned by CBC Radio 2's Brave New Waves," which caught my eye. Any mention of Brave New Waves brings back memories of the good old days in Kitchener when the boys would TAPE Brave New Waves and play it for us in the middle of the afternoon and imitate the announcer's voice at random times throughout the day, because they thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Anyways, my two favourite parts of Lyrical Ontology right now are the songs "No Regrets" by Aesop Rock (lyrics), and "Epic" by Josh Martinez. If you go to Josh Martinez's site, you can listen to some of his songs in Real Audio (though it says mp3s, they lie), and I liked BC Trees the most, as it's him being VERY happy to be in Vancouver and it's cute. :)

I like them because they're about something, they have deep thoughts in them and reflections about life, not just swearing and crap like "it's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes" that only gets played because it's got a catchy hook. The only problem so far is that they're not over-over-marketed, so it's harder to find albums to downl-- I mean, BUY, and it's hard to find lyrics online.

Sometimes, Chris and I joke about being committed members of the Church of the Holy Comforter, which is a leftover joke from skipping church while in Bible college and trying to dodge stern looks when I rolled out of bed and wandered down to the cafeteria at 11:30 a.m. on Sunday mornings. However, on other days, when he has to work at (around) 7 a.m. and I don't have to be at school until 10 a.m., I stay over anyways and get up at the ungodly hour of 6 a.m. with him. Point being: a) I'm not even that great at attending FAKE churches regularly, and b) I like Chris more than sleep. Which is clearly a lot.

In other news, as of today, I've been dating him for four months. Umm... which I totally forgot about until I was in the shower and thinking about my paper that's due this morning, and then thought, "Wait a second... if it's the fifteenth..." haha. We're not the best at remembering. :)

I think I'm going to steal this idea from Trevor. Write 10 totally honest messages to people you know, but don't say who they're to. Should be interesting, we'll see if I can be honest and not give things away at the same time.

I realise I never ever get to hang out with him, and we email very rarely, but I miss Caleb already. Dude, you are so quality. Email me once you get settled in and things quiet down a bit, because I'm so curious what's going on inside that head of yours. You make me think, and I have tons of respect for you. So, that's my contribution to the choir of "goodbye, we love you and will miss you so much!" messages. :)

Yesterday, I wrote a 13 page paper about the Toronto Star's treatment of gays and lesbians, especially as relating to the Supreme Court hearing about the constitutionality of gay marriage. It was a Discourse Analysis paper, which means I get to read between the lines and pick out all the things that they said over and over, but never explicitly. It's fun. :) I might add it to my website, we'll see... maybe just in PDF form, I don't like the idea of people being able to copy my stuff.

School is ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it, and I'm actually happy that I'll be in it for at least the next seven years (oh my god, I'll be 30...), but I think there's a slight problem with the format. For September and October, I'm excited about school, I do all my reading, I get into the material. I'm not yet swamped with stuff, so I do extra thinking and reading. Then midterms come. And papers. And assignments. And tests. And no free time and I'm behind on my reading and I'll never catch up at this rate and oh my god that paper is due in two days?! And I fall asleep in classes or spend them half-listening, half-studying for the test in the next class, and I don't do extra reading or really ponder what is being presented to me, and so it never soaks in and I miss all of these astounding thoughts because I just don't have the energy to invest the time and effort needed to really get them. I hate that, because that's the part of school that I like, and it's the first thing to get ditched when the semester gets crazy.

So, I think that should change. Surely there's a better way to structure it.

In other news, I got some marks back:

Language, Power and Persuasion midterm: A+
Phonological Analysis midterm: B+
Grammatical Analysis midterm: B+

So, yeah. That'll work for grad school applications. B+ is the bare minimum for grad school, by the way. I'm hoping that my assignment marks will pull my grammar/phonology marks up a bit. I'm not complaining about a B+, but when you know that you could pull off the A+ if you just put in a little more effort (i.e. spent my time doing homework instead of hanging out with my boyfriend), then... well, I feel a little disappointed in myself when I don't do what I think should be normal for me. When you know that you're smarter than the average bear, you kind of feel a responsibility to get the As... plus, a GPA of A or higher is almost guaranteed scholarship/bursary money, always a bonus.

Crap, I'm supposed to be writing a 15-page paper, and here I am blogging. Okay, okay, I'll get back to working on that...

I feel myself losing my understanding of the Christian community that I was so recently a part of. My last post, for example, shows how far my view of sexuality has strayed from the "homosexuality is wrong because Leviticus says so" stance. I think about how I used to think about homosexuality, that it was a sin and that was that, and it feels so foreign and familiar at the same time... but more foreign than familiar. I don't want to lose my understanding of that worldview, of that community, because I want to study it and explain it to other people. I don't hate Christians at all. I was part of The Body for a long time, and part of me still misses that unity, that solidarity. I think the system is deeply flawed and I can list many bad effects that it has had (and continues to have) on me, but I do not feel angry at the people. I understand why my Sunday school teachers, my parents, my youth pastors, all of them, why they did what they did, why they taught me the things they did, why they thought it was necessary and beneficial to me. I understand that Dave Beattie taught our Youth For Christ group about Who I Am In Christ because he loved us, and I continue to have a deep respect for him, though I have learned to find myself in... well, myself, rather than someone else.

I was at a Christian bridal shower last night (it was at my apartment) and I realised that bridal showers are the only time that Christian women really celebrate their sexuality in a near-public forum. They give the bride racy lingerie and laugh with her about it and say things like, "oh, that is SO beautiful, you will look so nice in that!" These brides spend their entire dating relationship trying NOT to have sex, struggling with their desire for it (the sin of lust), feeling guilty for it, trying not to dress in such a way that they will cause their boyfriends to "stumble" (feel attraction for them, desire sex), and they finally gather with their friends to look forward to it and celebrate it as a good thing. I don't know about post-wedding discussions, but I suspect that this is the only time they have to celebrate it with friends, because after that the "marriage bed" is sacred and not to be discussed with others. Before marriage, sex is sin, and after marriage, it is private.

It was just so strange to me... they spend so much time trying to dress modestly because they believe that if they don't, they will cause the men in their lives to lust, and that is causing them to sin... and then, for their bridal shower, they receive lingerie that is designed with the sole purpose of causing that which they've been trying to protect their boyfriend from. I wonder how easy it is for Christian brides to switch mindsets overnight.

I'm so glad that's not my world anymore. I'm glad I'm staying at my boyfriend's place tonight and it won't occur to me to feel guilty about it.

I was talking to one of my professors a couple of weeks ago about how the newspapers are treating the Supreme Court hearing about the question of gay marriage. She asserted that the dominant discourse about gay marriage in Canada is that it's fine, so long as it looks like straight marriage. If gay people want to be the nuclear family too, that's great. Want to be in a 2-person monogamous relationship and even adopt kids? Well, if you can look straight, then we'll think about accepting you. But, she continued, if they're whipping each other every night, that's not acceptable/normal. Or if they say "we don't love each other, we don't even particularly like each other, but we really like fucking," that doesn't go over well either. Not to mention poly-amorous relationships, open relationships, short-term (and planned to be that way) relationships, etc. So Canada is pro-gay so long as it's not radical.

Then there's that whole straight/gay distinction... Why is this a binary system? Why is it even a ternary system defined in binary terms, like this:
gay = +gay -straight
bisexual = +gay +straight
straight = -gay +straight

Why do we think like that? There's a growing competing discourse on sexuality that it's more of a continuum and you can fall anywhere along the line. Here's a good discussion about that. Why are the options just 100/0, 50/50, and 0/100? What about 60/40? What about 17.5/82.5 for that matter? Discourse analysis would assert that since we only have three words for sexual identity (gay, straight, bi), and 'bi' is not as respected as 'gay' -- not seen as "real" by a lot of people, then we have to pick one and stick with that. Straight is "normal", so people try really hard to fit into that lifestyle. Maybe there are a lot of 90/10 adn 80/20 people around who just never explore the 10 or 20 side of them because it's easier to keep that quiet and do what is socially acceptable. Maybe they just give that up because it makes their life simpler. Is anyone really 100% straight or gay? (related movie: Kissing Jessica Stein)

Why is this a question of identity anyways? Food is another basic instinct and yet we don't judge people based on how they eat or what kinds of food they like or if they have a monogamous relationship with one flavour of pizza (though some people do with Hawaiian). We don't say that we can't associate with spicy-food-liking people, that they're immoral. This is the example given most often in discussions about the language of sex positivity.

Want a short proof that our society is obsessed with sex? Here it is:
- sex, doing it, banging [someone], going all the way, intercourse, fucking, messing around, sleeping together, screwing, getting laid, going at it, making love, having a roll in the hay, knowing someone "in the Biblical sense", being intimate, fornicating, copulating, mating...

I'm sure you can come up with more. This is called over-lexicalization. A society has the most words for the thing that they think about most, which is why groups like tech people have acronyms and terms that I don't know. Another aspect of this list is that many of these terms obscure the real meaning of sex, they dodge the issue a bit, which is called euphemism, a term that makes something "nicer" (compare "she died" with "she passed away"). We don't say it straight out because it's dirty, naughty, "nice girls don't do that", etc., so we dance around it a bit. I mean, think about the term 'making out'. What the hell does that mean? I can ask 10 people and get 12 definitions!

I'll tell you when I started supporting gay rights (putting aside the discussion of whether we should support the binary system by having "gay" rights). Back when I was in late high school, I found an online journal (way before blogging, back in the days of Merediments) called WorldWideJeb, by a gay guy in Australia who lived with his boyfriend and did NOT fit the gay stereotypes. He was a computer tech guy. His favourite music was industrial German bands. His boyfriend was a martial arts instructor who would get drunk and "show people" fight moves (eek!). He would tease his boyfriend every year by trying to convince him that he had registered a float for them in Sydney's gay pride parade, because they DESPISED that scene. This was important for me, and probably one of the biggest reasons that I've never been able to oppose gay rights (which led to conflicts with my faith). Why? Because Jeb was a real person. I liked him. I was sad for him when he broke up with Adam and glad when they got back together. I was surprised to learn that he had nightmares of sex with women, that he would dream about vaginas full of knives and was actually repulsed by straight sex. And yet, he was entertaining and normal and serious at times and a good writer and someone that I read every day and emailed sometimes. He was gay and he was human. He was terrified to tell his family, told them that Adam was his roommate and they would have to make up "Adam's room" quickly before his parents came over lest they suspect. He had a fundamentalist Christian aunt (much more fundie than I ever was) who would spray anti-gay rhetoric everywhere and would have hated him if she ever knew. He was afraid of people finding out. And why? Because it wasn't acceptable for him to be with the person he loved, to love his best friend in the world. It seemed obviously wrong to me, I don't know about the rest of you guys.

I can't believe Bush won. What the fuck are those people thinking? According to the Iraq Body Count website, between 14 000 and 16 000 people have died in Iraq. Good job guys, I'm sure all the people who died on 9/11 would be really impressed with those figures.

But Bush... the man thinks that everyone in the US is an evangelical Christian. He talks about an Axis of Evil and modern-day crusades. He declares wars on nouns ("terror," for instance), abstract things that will never disappear. He doesn't deserve space on my blog, for so many reasons.

My dad is coming to Toronto tonight! I am so excited! My dad, for those of you who don't know, is a trucker now (as of 3 months ago) and is doing long-haul trips down to the States every week, so he's home on the weekends and has plenty of "scary American" stories -- and, you know, "nice American" stories and "holy crap America is freaking beautiful" stories and "I saw REAL HOLLY PLANTS! and this kind of tree! and a field of something I had never seen before!" and various other vegetation-related stories. I'm excited to see him, I've missed him SO MUCH. My parents are absolutely two of my favourite people in the world, they continually impress me. They've taught me a lot about sticking with people through things, having unconditional love, that people and relationships are continually changing and that's okay, how to promote family harmony by constantly teasing everyone, the value of silliness and honesty, so many things.

Oh, and now he is here, so I have to go. :D

As always, the second Hallowe'en (Reformation Day!) is over, the Christmas decorations come out in stores. I'm not complaining though, as this means that I can buy clementines and eggnog. They're the reason for the season, right? ;)

Quote from Roommate Kathy today: "Mental note: don't love anything so much that it gives you scabs." Truly, a lesson to be remembered.

In rotation:
Magnolia Soundtrack
The Velvet Underground and Nico
Air - Moon Safari
The Beta Band - Heroes to Zeroes
Pete Yorn - musicforthemorningafter
Elliott Smith - From a Basement on the Hill
Carla Bruni - Quelqu'un m'a dit

I had a really shitty weekend, for two reasons that I can't talk about here. They were both things that caused me a lot of stress and I also have a midterm, essay, and assignment due this week, along with the regular dose of homework and equivalent of 2 academic books/week of reading. I'm sorry, I can't handle that much in one weekend. I asked for a make-up test for the midterm, which was supposed to be tonight, because I've been unable to concentrate all day.

I hate conflict, I hate misunderstandings, I hate suicides, I hate threats to my relationships, I hate selfishness, I hate all of these things that are currently upsetting me. I just want a break. I want to go home and be with my friends that need support right now. I hate it that I am so far away and can't help at all from here. Hell, I can't even offer to pray for them anymore.

Sunday morning was the first time I had cried since my uncle committed suicide in the early summer, and I cried so hard and for so long. A good hyperventilating cry-fest. I waited until I was in the shower to let myself start crying, because there's nothing I hate more than crying in front of people. I usually cry about twice a year, so.. yeah. I'm good for another few months at least. Crying is such a strange thing to me. I can't figure out why we have such a physical reaction to emotions. I guess I still haven't completely figured out that we are our bodies. It felt good, in a strange sort of way. I mean, I felt like SHIT, but it was nice to be able to express it so violently and succinctly.

In other news, it's been a year since I parted ways with Jebus. What a year it has been, I have changed so much, so much for the better. I wish I could convince my Christian friends that I'm so much more than fine, that this is the healthiest and happiest I've ever been, that life out here in the big scary apparantly-hopeless world is so good. So free. That relativism isn't as horrible as you would think. That sometimes life means more if there's nothing after it. I can't tell them not to worry about me, I know they hope I'll come back before dying and going to the eternal lake of fire, but... I have plans on decomposing and having my atoms turn into trees; I think it would be great. It's so strange, I spent so many years terrified of losing my faith, and it turns out to have been the decision I'm happiest about.

Rita Rudner said, "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." If I ever end up taking the non-traditional traditional route and proposing to a boy, you know that's going to have to be my line: "Baby, I want to annoy you for the rest of my life." Aww...