let's have a big ol' talk about relationships
So, I'm moving in with Chris in January! He will be my 19th, and perhaps final, housemate. I haven't ever lived with a boy before, despite my many many roommates, and I certainly haven't ever done the moving-in-together thing before. We've been thinking and talking a lot about What This Means, and I'm getting to re-evaluate my post-Christian thoughts on relationships YET AGAIN.
The former relationship scheme went a little like this: In an ideal world, you meet someone and fall in love and God reveals that you are to be with this person, because he (always he!) is The One God Planned For You, you hold hands and don't stray into sexual goings-on (or want to, because that would be Satan!) and eventually get married and have a super-big religious wedding complete with praise & worship songs, a sermon, and admonitions that you only love each other because God enables you to, and the only good marriages are the ones based on Christianity (we heard this wedding sermon last fall!), and then you pray and THEN commence living together, doing (or learning about) the sex, having babies, and all that. And it's perfect, of course, because Jesus picked the guy out for you.
Uh, yeah, I don't think like that anymore. To further complicate matters, I've never been one of those girls who was planning her wedding since she became aware that weddings existed. When I was in bible college and the swarm of girls buzzing around the bridal magazines in the hallway (ALL OF THEM SINGLE!) inquired as to what kind of dress I wanted, it always reinforced my hatred of the place rather than inspiring me to go over and say, "Ooh, that one, with the frills!" I'm just not that girl. I still don't get excited about such things. I walk past bridal stores downtown and look at the dresses and think "eek, not me, not me!!" I mean, if I get into that dress...
There's this big theory out there right now about gender called Performativity. Basically, it says that gender is a thing that you DO, not a thing that you ARE, and there's a billion ways to do it. You could be masculine in the big ol' construction worker way, or the high-powered businessman way, or the sysadmin geek way (<3!), or the indie rock ironic way, and they're all performances of your version of Masculine. I can be feminine in the J-Lo wedding-planner way, or the librarian way, or the secretary way, or the butch lesbian way, or the rugby-player way, or the sassy bartender way, or the goth chick way, or the grandma who's always got fresh cookies way, or the soccer mom way...
So, if I get into that dress, I'm afraid that I'll be performing a role that I don't fit into, a role that I don't identify with. I could do other things, I could change the dress like Janice did, or I could find a style more like mine, whatever. But I still feel this apprehension around the whole wedding idea that's a mix of this feeling that it's "not me" and a lot of leftover religious connotations on the whole day.
So, basically, I'm moving in with a boy, something I never thought I'd do, and I'm not really so keen on the whole wedding idea. Marriage, moreso, wedding, less so. This all adds up to a picture that is pretty different from the one that I grew up with, and I'm still sorting out what it means and what I want things to mean. I've got a few questions, questions like:
- If we're living together and having sex and the relationship is good and we have the long-term monogamous commitment thing going on... what exactly is the point of getting married? Getting married used to mean starting all (or most of) that, so what would getting married do?
- Why do people seem to think that it's necessary to get married before having kids? Is it because of legal protections? If so, what are they? Is it because of the long-term commitment angle? What's stopping you from having that already?
- Do we still go by "boyfriend/girlfriend", the same terms used for 14 year olds who are 'dating'?
- How to best handle money as a couple?
- How to make sure that our introvert needs for alone-time are still met when living together in a 1-bedroom place? Conversely, how to make sure that I still have a social life, if I have no girl roommates and no more school?
- What could possibly make Chris hate laundry enough that he's willing to do the dishes forever, in exchange for never having to touch a washer again? And how sweet is that?! The best deals are the ones where we both TOTALLY feel that we've won. :)
posted by Heather Ann @ 1:44 PM
13 Comments:
lets be honest (many) christians get married so that they can have sex without fear of hell, and (many) not christians get married so that people will throw them showers and they will get free china and toasters (and to make their parents happy of course)
honestly though, congrats on this step of commitment with Chris, he seemed cool that one time i met him and he really seems to be a part of your happyness, this is good, happy hannie is good hannie..
i'm not sure if you should still call Chris your boyfriend, that just seems very young, but the only other solution i can think of is partner, and that just seems very business like to me, and therefore not a good solution, i suggest that you refer to him as your "little puddin pie" in all situations because it would make me laugh.
Hmm, "little puddin pie" does have a certain ring to it! I think he would prefer "hunk o' burnin' love", but I might be partial to "my delicate little flower".
The gift aspect of weddings is also problematic to me. We've lived on our own for 6 years already and therefore have the stuff we want, or we will get it when we feel like it. We have the good knives, the nice blender, the microwave, decent plates and cutlery, etc., and not a lot of space in the apartments we can afford in downtown Toronto. If anything, moving in together means we have to get rid of stuff, not that we need more stuff!
And aside from business connotations, 'partner' seems to either bring up queer issues or a "howdy, pardner" tone. Either overly complicated or ridiculous-sounding!
Women.
Paul and I have the same arrangement (not the NOT MARRIED arrangement, but the he-hates-laundry-so-he-always-does-dishes arrangement).
Is Chris secure enough in his sexuality to be called "my delicate flower"? It's just a step above "my little girly man" in emasiculating capability
hey congrats and good luck. I'm sure you will keep me/us posted on the progress.
BTW - I'm half way through White Noise and couldn't be more pleased with the HA recommendation.
thanks
Mark
Chad: Chris is secure enough to put up with my constant teasing, and while he's beginning to tire of "my delicate little flower", that only makes it MORE FUN FOR ME! It's a vicious cycle. :)
But really, boys can handle violent movies with blood spurting everywhere, but can barely stand to talk about regular old non-violent menstrual blood? Delicate. Little. Flowers. (Though I have to hand it to Chris on this one, he is not phased by this topic. Which is good, because he's dating me, so he hears about it fairly often.)
Marko: Dude, who ARE you? You comment a lot and I'm getting curious. Have you gotten to the argument between Jack and Heinrich about whether or not it's raining yet in White Noise? CLASSIC. :)
Hey,
I am really proud of you. If you ever thought that I would not be happy for you for moving in with Chris, that is so wrong! I am happy for you, and if you ever want to call me to just laugh about silly things, please, I love you and you are my big sister that I just want to tickle and laugh with. I remember a time that you almost have me a hicky (thank goodness you didn't, lol), and I can't wait to see you when you come down next. Have fun with Chris, and give him my love.
your not quite so little anymore sister,
Amanda...
So if you like the idea of marriage just don't have a wedding. There are many many ways to get married you can do anyway that suits you. It doesn't mean that you are selling out your beliefs if you get married. Marriage is not just a "christian" thing. By the way I have been married for 5 years and I highly reccomend it. : )
I cannnot speak to Canada's marriage law, but in the USA marriage gets you lower taxes, default power of attorney for healthcare (if there is no signed POAHC), special rights and responsibilites should one of you die and myriad other legal benefits.
I feel like I can safely say, though, that civil marriage anywhere is just a legal contract binding you to the other person. If this is something you want to do with Christopher, I say go for it.
Oh, and congratulations to both of you!
I've done the living together thing for 10 years. We have one child together, a house, a car, a line-of-credit and a determination to be together till death, etc.
We've recently been talking seriously about getting married. I think my partner, who coincidentally is doing the whole feminist, social-services thing for a living, would enjoy the symbolism of marriage. I know I certainly would. And now (at least for the time being) that our gay and lesbian friends are entitled to equal status, one of our biggest protests is now moot.
Maybe it's that underneath it all, she wants to be treated romantically -- on her terms of course.
Whatever it is, I've come up with an elaborate conspiracy to abscond with The Woman™ to romantic Niagara-on-the-Lake and propose my undying love to her.
I don't have anything by way of advice except to say "keep working on the relationship". Everything else seems to sort itself out.
I've done the living together thing for 10 years. We have one child together, a house, a car, a line-of-credit and a determination to be together till death, etc.
We've recently been talking seriously about getting married. I think my partner, who coincidentally is doing the whole feminist, social-services thing for a living, would enjoy the symbolism of marriage. I know I certainly would. And now (at least for the time being) that our gay and lesbian friends are entitled to equal status, one of our biggest protests is now moot.
Maybe it's that underneath it all, she wants to be treated romantically -- on her terms of course.
Whatever it is, I've come up with an elaborate conspiracy to abscond with The Woman™ to romantic Niagara-on-the-Lake and propose my undying love to her.
I don't have anything by way of advice except to say "keep working on the relationship". Everything else seems to sort itself out.
Oops.
The dreaded double-post.
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