the stories we tell ourselves
So, I'm in a school where linguistics has a crush on sociology, and we get to think about discourses a lot. I've gotten to the point where I'll throw the term "discourses" around pretty frequently, without realising that any of my friends and family who haven't gone through similar courses as I have don't really know what I mean by the term, so here's a bit of personal reflection:
We tell ourselves stories about our lives, stories that affirm the way that we're doing things. When I was dating Chris, I had a story. It said that I am Heather Ann and I am like this [good], and this is Chris, and he is like that [good], and we are dating because of good Event1, Event2, Event3, and it is a good thing because he does Action1, Action2, Action3, and he has good Attribute1, Attribute2, Attribute3, and he makes me feel good Emotion1, Emotion2, Emotion3. When we had a good day, it confirmed my story, and when we had a bad day, I told myself that story instead of freaking out and leaving. When people asked me about him, this was the story I told. When questions were asked that might contradict the story, I got mad because they didn't fit the story, and the story was crucial. You've got to stick to the story!
Now that we've broken up, I have a new story, one that says that I am Heather Ann and I am like this [good], and that was Chris, and he was like that [bad], and we broke up and I'm better off for it because of bad Event1, Event2, Event3, and because he had bad Attribute1, Attribute2, Attribute3, and he made me feel bad Emotion1, Emotion2, Emotion3, and I'm going to get past this and have good Experience1, Experience2, Experience3. When I have a bad day, I tell myself this story. When I have a good day, it confirms the part that says that I'm better off. When people ask me how I'm doing, this is the story I tell. Now this is the crucial story.
Neither of these stories are True, at least, not in the way that "Toronto is in Canada" is True. Nor are they False, in the way that "Sanda is a man" is False. They are stories that select facts and opinions and bring them together to prove a point. In this case, those points are:
1. I am a good person.
2. I am doing the right thing.
3. I am (or will be) happy.
They are discourses, ways of thinking and talking about things, in this case, a relationship in my life. The whole truth is that there are good and bad things about me, and good and bad things about Chris, and we both did good and bad things, and it's true that this sucks and also that I'll be fine. But that's not a very cohesive story, and it isn't very useful for my purposes, so I sort out the things that are useful to me and build a discourse.
We all do this, with everything. My story about Jesus has changed a lot, and continues to change. Likewise with my story about my parents, about gay people, about cars, about cities, about sex. These are discourses and they reflect our values and our needs, and they shift with us.
So, I'm probably going to think harsh things about Chris for a while (off my blog, though), because this story works for me right now. I know it's not the whole truth, but it's the part that happens to help at the moment. I was harsh about Jesus and the church for a while, too, and I'm starting not to need that story as much. Sometimes people are harsh about gay people, not because anything in their story is true or because it's balanced, but because the story has another point, and the people telling the story need that point to be true. The same goes for stories about homeless people, or young black men in Toronto. That doesn't make it right, but it might help us understand the reasons behind it and how to change it.
posted by Heather Ann @ 5:49 PM
11 Comments:
this was kind of fascinating (not to make light of your life) because i really had little idea about discourse analysis other than it is figuring out what the words we tell eachother mean on another level. thanks for the illustration of its function.
Your post strikes me in a curious way as I am discovering?, or is it appreciating?, or is it fighting?... the Yin and Yang of life.
For me personally, I'm finding that life in balance is the most difficult, painful, and yet somehow life giving for me at this time. Its easy to see thing as black or white, but to hold them both in your mind at the same time, ... to try to not let go to the truths of pain, while holding with equal strength to the truths of joy... now THAT is a challenge.
Keep truckin' and thanks for your sharing your life's journey via this blog.
I am not a man! yay! I was confused there for a sec! ;)
Good description on discourse there. It does get thrown around. Alot. Sometimes I forget exactly what it means. So thanks for the reminder and reminding so much of why I like rights discourses!
Very interesting post. I can really see how we all fall into this pattern of telling our stories in a way that validates our actions and emotions.
Perhaps that is what is so challenging about debate or discussion with another who holds a different viewpoint than your own. Not only does it challenge your "right" way of thinking but probably what is more difficult is that is calls into question the things that you use to validate yourself and how you feel, which we know is very important. Wow, that is one long runon sentence!
I guess that for a number of years now I have been a much better listener and not so quick to condemn someones ideas, but rather acknowledge that it is never as black and white as we would like to believe. At the same time I really do believe in an absolute truth and that it is established by the God of the universe who has a depth of understanding that is beyond our comprehension. I really don't know if I am making sense right now I should be in bed-Goodnight!
woman of faith - Yes, absolutely. One of the reasons that I, who used to have faith and have since lost it, do not try to deconvert people is because the Christian story is not just about a guy named Jesus who did stuff, but it is about Who I Am As A Person And How Everything Is Going To Be Okay, and that is a VERY scary thing to change, and people get very defensive of it. Christianity reinforces the idea that the story is of utmost importance and cannot be questioned. When I was questioning it, it was terrifying, and I was quite surprised to find that I am okay, even happier, despite my having left the faith.
When my friends are struggling with their faiths, I do try to reassure them that they'll be okay either way, not to be scared. Other than that, I try to leave it alone. Stories are personal, and if my musings about whether or not Jesus actually existed threatens your story, well... I can muse about it with people whose stories don't depend on it, and then everyone's happier.
Heather Ann,
Honest question coming here (though I can see how it would appear to be loaded):
Is happiness the Ultimate Goal in this thing called life?
Or, if you would prefer to answer for only yourself (as to not upset those that don't agree ... hehe...) ... is happiness YOUR Ultimate Goal in life?
And by that I suppose I'm sort of asking, what of the Truth of it all? What if the Truth is actually quite disturbing or unsettling or makes one or all of us very miserable?
Miroslav, there is no ultimate truth of it all. There is no design, no end game, there is just us, and many of us strive to be happy. The answer to "What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?" is 42 because it's a nonsensical answer to a nonsensical question.
It doesn't need an Ultimate Goal. One day at a time, Miroslav. There is no test at the end, no reckoning. There is here and now and hopefully a few decades more.
Meaningless, meaningless, yes, but also interesting and fun and heartbreaking and wonderful and boring and ultimately beautiful.
gotcha.
Well, now that we have THAT all figured out.
:)
Actually, wouldn't violent will to power be all that's left? Guess what Heather Ann... God's dead. Act like it.
Ok. Imagine that sounding a bit less jerky than it probably does.
Yep, pretty jerky sounding. Not really sure what you meant.
God isn't dead. God is not, never has been, and I can enjoy life even with that perception. I AM acting like it. Or are you still signing onto the idea that life without God is utterly full of despair and I might as well go commit suicide now, or, failing that, become a complete asshole? Surprise, surprise, post-Christian life isn't like that at all.
Sorry.
I was playing Nietzche. His point about God being dead was a critique of post-Christian society and culture, not God as such.
Pathetic post-Christian society kept on believing in kindness, mercy, whimsy, beauty, ugliness, goodness... but that's all "slave morality". Lies we tell ourselves, or are told by those trying to manage us like a herd of animals.
But, really, its all violence, from top to bottom. Just autonomous wills clawing at each other... destroying each other.
I only meant to playfully imitate Zarathustra, the character in Niezche's story, who ran through the towns screaming about how God was dead. The people wouldn't accept this. They weren't ready for it yet. The point of this is NOT that they wouldn't accept the plain truth of the non-existence of God. The point WAS that the people weren't ready to take seriously the implications of the non-existence of God in their everyday lives.
I was trying to be coy. So maybe you are like the people in the towns. You aren't ready for the message. Again, being playful and coy. Perhaps a little damn whimsical.
I suspose you are one of those "ironic-liberals" who act and think like very very nice people (truly), yet all the while realize there is nothing actually nice and good about it. Its a self told lie. Its all merely you and your group's chosen way of being. Your contribution to the violence. If someone acts differently, all you can say is that he's not like you and your "ironic-liberal" friends. You destroy him, or bannish him to the wilderness.
I like a lot of "ironic-liberal" people. I really do. Some of the nicest people I meet. I just wish more of them would come out of the intellectual closet.
I don't buy the whole "Christians are happy, the world's bitterly sad" thing. That idea is the product of American pop/advertizing culture sprinkled with "spirituality".
I thought Paul was always talking about how suffering is a sacred and blessed priviledge. I thought Jesus said that the truly blessed were those who mourn, who die for their friends, who are so damn hunger and thirsty for righteousness (in the face of the terrible evil in world) that they feel they might die, who get slapped around when people take their things, who take up their cross and follow him (to death).
That's what it means to be blessed?
I know, I know... pathetic slave morality...
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