I'm up at 5:30, not because of my stupid body waking me up super-early, which it has just recently started to waver on and lets me sleep in to 9:00 (!) sometimes, but because I half-woke up after a dream and then I realised all over again what happened yesterday and started crying. I couldn't stop it, I tried. I thought, "fuck off, please, just let me sleep," but this is insistent. So, woo, five hours of sleep. I'm sure that will help this weekend go better.

I don't know how to do this. I keep thinking that I should have picked up on a sign, any sign, so that I was at least somewhat prepared for this, but the signs were so mixed. I can't look back at last weekend and expect him to break up with me five days later AT ALL. It makes me feel so stupid, like I should have known, like I shouldn't be so surprised, that I shouldn't care so much.

I mean, I have done this before. I have been single, single for so long. I know how to do it, how to be strong and hate the billion couples everywhere and to say, "no, this is better! look at my freedom!" I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to be strong, I want someone to lean on. I don't want to be independent. I mean, I am, but I just... I don't even want to be mad at him, because I care about him so much and all I want is for this not to have happened.

And for no reason! There is no reason! It feels like he just woke up one day and decided to hurt me, with no provocation. And I keep looking back at the last few months and thinking, was that just a lie? Did you tell me you cared about me because you hoped you could make it true again? Am I stupid to have believed you?

I have two midterms and an assignment due this week, and I am asking for deferrals, but school doesn't let up. I'm just pushing this pressure into another pressure-filled week, and I don't know how I'm going to do this. I feel like this is the worst possible time. I can't even make myself care to study, because I hurt and that's so immediate and loud and I can't get through it to the things I need to do.

I have been so stressed out lately. I've felt more than ever that I'm at the end of my rope, and then my best friend, the person I tell everything to, just cut and ran. And I want to call him and tell him how my day went, but he's the last person I should be calling right now, and I hate it. I'm worried about him, and a few days ago I would have done anything to help, but now I have to help me, and it hurts so much that those things contradict each other now.

I know I'll be okay, that time will make this hurt less, blah blah blah, but right now everything reminds me of him and I can't stop crying. The TTC, Chinatown, Café Crêpe, Pages Bookstore, even Romni's -- everything I love about this city has Chris stamped all over it.

And he wants to be friends, and fuck... I've never wanted to be just friends! I've liked him since the day I met him. I can't just turn that off, how can you ask me that? I can't... I don't know how to do that. I don't want to lose him, I want to know him, but I -- how do you DO that? It is just always going to hurt. And what are we supposed to do as friends? We never were friends. We went for supper on dates. We went on walks as dates. We did everything in that context. How is that not supposed to break my heart?

I just feel like I got pushed into last year, before I met him and hadn't dated anyone for seven years and wasn't meeting anyone, and you know what? Nothing has changed except that I met him. There is no one else. And now I am almost done school and... fuck, I am so pessimistic and afraid of this.

I'm trying to think of positive things. I don't have to buy as many presents. I suddenly have my weekends back and I don't have this question of whether to do homework or be with Chris. Ugh, that doesn't feel positive. I can do whatever I want, but I already did... and now I can't, because what I want isn't available anymore...

I have figured out one thing. It's always hard to know whether I wanted to stay in Toronto because of him or because of my own reasons (as if he isn't my own reason, whatever), and I know now that I want to stay regardless. I like it here, I like the city and how safe it is and knowing where the cool little shops are and the friends I have here (who have been so great), and I like being this far from and this close to my family.

I have so many pictures, and no idea what to do with them. I have to break into a sealed envelope addressed to my parents because it has pictures of us in it. I don't even want to see pictures of his cats, because they're just another thing I can't have and I should stop. I should stop loving them. I should stop crying, I should stop loving, I should just stop. I should stop re-evaluating things, I should stop remembering and trying to figure it out, I should stop starting emails to him, I should just stop. Stop thinking, start studying. Stop caring and crying and wasting my time on something that's not going to change. I know I'm not being rational about it, but hey, welcome to my week.

Fuck, I seriously thought he was joking when I started reading the email. And, for the record, email? On your lunch break? Not cool, dude. I deserved more than that and you know it and I don't give a flying fuck if you're sorry, that doesn't make it better. You didn't do this fair. I was worth talking to, months ago. And I don't care if you don't know how, you fucking learn how, because that's what relationships are. Next time, just tell her that you're not going to try. That you don't try. That you stew about it in your head for months and give no indication, and then just break her heart without a reason. Save her the trouble. Because why am I spending my time going to your place every weekend, dragging all my shit an hour's ride downtown, living out of my fucking backpack half the week for a year, and thinking of things to do with you, to give you, to tell you, if you're NOT EVEN GOING TO TALK TO ME? Why am I bringing things up when they bother me, why am I being honest with you? I was so worried about you this week when everything went to hell at your job, and I should have been worried about ME.

I can't even eat. I feel like I'm going to vomit, all the time, and I never do.

I shouldn't even post this, but if I'm going to post about depression and my personal shit like that, and you don't even care enough to break up with me in person, then fuck it.