First, Doug's father died last week, so drop in there and tell him you love him.

A year ago this morning, my Uncle Herman killed himself. I can't really say it's gotten any easier to deal with. I think my immediate family has dealt with it pretty well. We've talked about it a lot, and shared good stories and anger and tears. As for my extended family, well... they've always been a rather tight-lipped lot. I can't say communication has gotten any better, though it looked like it might go that way at first. Frankly, I'm disappointed in most of them—I really hoped that we would become open with each other. Maybe I shouldn't expect people to change overnight, but I guess I had hoped that we could have used this as the kick in the pants that we needed. Instead, depression seems to be just as taboo as ever, and the phrase "car accident" has been floating around to describe my Uncle driving his car 120 km/hr into the river with the windows down. We linguists refer to that sort of nonsense as a euphemism, which is a phrase designed to soften meaning (see also: passed away, is indisposed, etc.).

One of the more frustrating things about a suicide is that you're so angry with the person who did it. I mean, I know a ton of people who have died of cancer, and any one of them would have given anything for the level of health that my Uncle had, but they died fighting and he just drove in the river. It's unfair. And then you go to the funeral and the place is PACKED and you think, Wow, you were an idiot. Look at all these people here, and you could have gone to any one of them for help, but you just quit. And then you miss the guy like crazy and wish he was still around, and watch so many people miss him, and you just want him back, so you're stuck wanting to hug him and slap him all at the same time.

It stays sad for a long time and there's a lot of regret. My uncle carved songbirds really well. In a little while, my cousin is going to give my Dad one of the birds, and that's great, my Dad is really happy to get one, but he doesn't really want a BIRD, he wants his BROTHER, and that's a rather shitty compromise.

Maybe it seems strange to mark a day like this with an angry posting, but I've learned that when it comes to suicide, anger is one of the best (and only) ways of expressing your love for the person. I miss him and it's his fault and it's hard to reconcile the two emotions sometimes.

So What Can I Do?: MIND your health