Well, ladies and gentlemen, I should be done my anti-depressants in about 2 weeks time. I went to the doctor last Monday and we started ramping them down. Here's the deal. I've been on Effexor XR for a while. XR stands for extended release, which means I just take one pill a day and it releases it a bit at a time, rather than taking it five or six times a day, which would be a pain in the ass. My dosage schedule has looked something like this:

1. last 2 weeks of July: 37.5 mg/day (1 little pill)
2. first 2 weeks of August: 75 mg/day (1 big pill OR 2 little pills)
3. then until January 21: 112.5 mg/day (1 big pill AND 1 little pill)
4. Jan. 21 to April 18: 75 mg/day
5. April 18 to April 25: 37.5 mg/day
6. April 25 to whenever: 37.5 mg every other day until I run out (about a week and a half)

I could have come off of them in January, but my doctor said he wanted to wait until the sun was out more just in case that messed things up for me. This is one of the many reasons that I love my doctor. The thing is, Effexor doesn't just make me less of a paranoid anxious crazy person, it also has a few side effects that come and go, and have come back since I came down to the 37.5 mg/day dosage. That's right, night sweats and extremely vivid dreams! They'rrrrrrrre back! Shiiiiiit. Hey, at least it's not playing hide and seek with my libido, right? RIGHT?

Speaking of which, I've been reading this book this week called What Should I Do With My Life?: The True Story of People Who Answered the Ultimate Question, by Po Bronson, and I just finished a chapter about a guy who kind of jumps from one thing to another and finally just says, "actually, my true passion is to help people by teaching them to play golf better" and the author says "well, then do that, stop listening to people who tell you it's stupid and get out there and try it!" I've been thinking about alternate paths for my life to go because I am a big fan of back-up plans and I don't want to absolutely no-way-out commit myself to academia. The fact is, I really like living in Toronto, but there are only two universities here, only one of which would offer courses that I would really like to teach, and even if York did hire me, I might get sick of York administrative bullshit or I might get tired of teaching or something, and then what? So, I've been thinking about alternative options, and one of the things that I've realised lately is this: I want to teach girls about sex, their bodies, and correct the scads of misinformation and shame that gets piled on them from all sides. I've gotten in more than a few discussions this year with friends about our sex lives, and it bothers me that "stretch the hymen beforehand so that the first time doesn't rip it" and "if you're worried about it hurting, try girl-on-top so you're more in control and can back off if you need to, plus its a more stimulating position for women anyways" is radical and/or frequently unmentionable advice. I have no idea why I'm 24 and have learned so much astounding stuff about my body in the last year that I feel like I should have known all along. I don't understand why the diagram in the tampon box is not accurate, or why they would not change it when I'm sure that it's the reason that many women can't figure out how to use them without it hurting. So, I wouldn't mind running something like Good for Her or helping to run the seminars there. Heck, maybe I'll publish a book with lots of saucy diagrams someday. ;)

Another thing that I would like to do, and probably have the organizational skills to pull off, would be to design and sell crocheted tops and bags and slippers and skirts and monsters and... whatever else I happen to fancy. :) And knitted stuff, too, I've got to get on that bandwagon. Apparantly knitted stuff is more stretchy than crocheted stuff, so I'm going to have to figure that out if I decide to go the clothes route. Also: sewing! Why don't I know how to do this? I need to get a sewing machine, pronto. And yarn dying and spinning and felting and... heh.

And I want to write. Write and read and ponder and write and ponder and ponder and erase and edit and re-write and slowly churn out something Dillard-esque.