oh canada, oh effexor
I love Canada. I love it so much that the next time my roommate asks me if I'm thinking of marrying Chris (FIVE MONTHS! ARE YOU INSANE!), I'm going to say, "Hell no, I'm straight." Someday, when I have grandkids, I'm going to say to them, "You know, I was 22 when the first gay marriage in Canada happened," and they'll reply, "Holy shit, are you serious? Did they lynch black people too?!" and I'll hug them and say, "No, but one of my friends from home didn't see a black person until she was 16," and then they'll think I'm lying, but I won't be.
About five years ago, I was strongly considering going on a Mission Year. Yes, I wanted to live out my faith by going and living in poverty in an inner-city neighbourhood and volunteering for 20 hours a week and getting really involved in a local church. Social justice + Jesus. I still think it's a great program, it's just... well, I'm an atheist. That's a slight hitch. Maybe I could get hooked up with a Unitarian church, haha. Anyways, I was thinking of it today because I was emailing my ex-christian mailing list about Tony Campolo, whose son runs the program, and I wondered... what would have happened if I had done that instead of going to bible college? Would I have deconverted THERE? Would I still be a missionary of some kind? Would I be like one of my old roommates, who jumps from missionary organization to missionary organization seemingly every six months, and lives entirely on donations from people she knows? I could have been a totally different person, which gets me thinking to identity and then to Foucaultian frameworks of fluid identity and discursive reality.... which would have been impossible thoughts in that life, but are available to me now. It's a strange thought.
So, I've been on anti-depressants for 4 months now. I'm on Effexor RX and the side-effects are starting to kick in. Extremely vivid dreams and night sweats, which piss me off more than anything. Every night, I am FREEZING and sweating more than I thought possible, and when I wake up, I am literally dripping and my entire body is clammy. It's really sexy, honest. I did some research on the Net, and it's really common with Effexor as are the dreams. And really really horrible withdrawal effects when you go off them.... which for me, is about 2 months from now. Hopefully that's the exception and I will be fine.
And the dreams. Oh my god, the dreams. Every morning, I wake up and my first thought is, "well, that was fucked up." Okay, my first thought is, "argh!! so much sweating!!" and THEN ... Not that my dreams are really weird, per se, they're just really detailed and graphic and present and real and I have no idea in them that I'm dreaming at all. Before Effexor, I could fly in about 90% of my dreams, and I can't even remember the last time I could fly in a dream... It's not unlike me to remember my dreams, but this is off the scale. Every once in a while, before all this, I would have a dream that would stick with me and it was hard to convince myself that it didn't actually happen, and it was a weird feeling, especially if (okay, when) I had a dream about a boy that I liked and my roommate shook me awake and said "You're late for class!" and 10 minutes later I find myself in class... sitting next to the boy... and feeling rather confused between the present situation and 10 minutes ago... Now, that's every dream. They all stick like that, they're all that real. And what the hell is with the video-game theme? I keep having dreams where I'm not only playing a video-game, usually Mario Bros. or Commander Keen, but I'm seeing it from the perspective of the video game character and it is 3D and there is REAL FIRE and if I die in the game... I don't even play video games! The dreams piss me off anyways. I mean, last night, I dreamed about cheating on my boyfriend for 2 days with a boy I know from bible college who is engaged whom I felt no attraction to. NO! I'm reading Freud, who is sure that dreams MEAN something, and you're REPRESSING things... and I think these dreams mean "you are on anti-depressants." That's about it. I may start writing them down and looking for themes, though. There's been a ton of dreams about going to get food from a buffet, which is odd in itself.
Let's talk about why I'm on Effexor, though, because it's not ALL bad, it's mostly excellent. Before I was on it, I was anxious and paranoid about weird things. For example... as long as I can remember, I have had the wildly insane fear that I am handicapped to the point that I don't know I'm handicapped and no one will tell me. How long was I unable to convince myself that it wasn't legit? Until I got my driver's license and was allowed to drive by myself, because they wouldn't let me do that if... right? I never told anyone about that fear until about four months ago when it disappeared because I did something about it. Or, let's take the fear of accidental/insane death motif. Every time I drove somewhere, I idly thought, "what would happen if I swerved into oncoming traffic? Might be interesting, maybe I'll do it." Every time I walked by or down a set of stairs, I mentally saw myself falling down said stairs. How many times did I think about suicide, not because I was depressed, but because it might be interesting?
And now, as I type all this out, I'm thinking, "ohmigod, you can't post that, they're all going to read it and realize you're one crazy fuck and you're going to lose all your friends." And another part of me is reciting the Dave Eggers mantra, "what do you have? so you have my secrets, they're mine to give, what do you have? you have nothing, you have what I can easily give. you are beggars!" I'm telling you THAT only because that's the kind of war that happened in my head for EVERY DAMN THING before I went on anti-depressants and realized (surprise!) that's not normal.
Back in July, on my second date with Chris, I was going nuts, I really liked him and I was terrified of getting into a relationship, and I don't even know why. All I know is that I was thinking, "this could be really good, I can't do this, I have to run away, this is too much, ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod," and I finally thought, you know what? I want to date him, I don't want to feel this anxious for no reason, I'm going to the doctor. My doctor said, "but dating should be exciting, it should be fun!" and I said, "and it is! but I'm so anxious!" and so ... Effexor. And it stopped. And I stopped thinking about falling down stairs, and people hating me from the first second or suddenly realising that they wanted nothing to do with me, and "you can't walk down the stairs because Something Bad is there, you better take the elevator," and I started being able to talk to people I didn't know without being uptight and frantic, and I started realising that all that extra dialogue in my head was abnormal and unnecessary. I haven't thought about suicide in so long, even idly. I've made friends with so many people this semester, people I would have been absolutely unable to talk to before. I've felt so settled, so calm. I am dating Chris, and it is exciting and fun and I'm not anxious about it.
And I blog about it because this is common and my uncle committed suicide last spring and mental illness is taboo, and I'm unwilling to accept that. I refuse to hide it, here it is. I'm not going to be ashamed of it.
posted by Heather Ann @ 2:33 PM
8 Comments:
I can totally relate.. well relatively, i'm still a christian, and i'm not dating a guy named Chris, and i never considered going on a mission year.. but anyhow, depression meds are a wonderful thing, and being NORMAL is an even more wonderful thing.. what i take only has weight gain as a side effect.... lovely...
I deconverted whilst working for a missionary organization. It happens. You see enough impoverished people starving, living in shacks made of aluminum siding, plastic sheeting and cardboard, you start to think that god is one messed up fucker. *shrug* Cute about the Unitarian Church, btw. ;0)
Good luck with the side effects of Effexor. My old roomate suffered terribly from the sweating, too. When I got off my SSRI (celexa) I really only felt dizzy and a bit nauseous. Hope it works well with you.
This buffet dream is so easy! Food is symbolic of nurturing yourself, keeping yourself alive, learning. It's a buffet because now you have choices in creating yourself. You're not stuck with the milk of the gospel and the bread of the word. You can have moogoogaipan if you want to, baby!
I thought the same things about oncoming traffic and had similar experiences with idle suicidal thoughts. Anxiety, yeah. Sucks. But yay for us because we noticed something wasn't right and had the courage to ask for help. Yay us (us meaning those of us not afraid to talk about mental illness)for speaking our truths.
I always appreciate the way you put yourself out there, Heather. I strongly doubt whether taking a different path would have changed your path, if that makes any sense. Your mind does more than just react to the world around you, and I can't see you having different perspectives due to different location.
BTW, 5 months is pretty short. :-) I just got engaged last Thursday, and we're almost at two years. Chris sounds like a great guy (you can't tell stories that involve replacing characters with Jesus without a great sense of humor), but you've gotta pay your dues before you get the reward. Have a great day!
That's funny--when I was taking Effexxxor I pretty much stopped (remembering) dreaming. It was when I skipped a dose or two that I had the crazy dreams. But the withdrawal is no joke--I don't know what dosage you're on, but you do not want to quit cold turkey. It would be best to ramp down (with the help of yr doctor) lest you spend a week or two in bed wishing your eyeballs didn't move.
Hi,
Plenty of kids who go on mission trips "deconvert". I haven't so much deconverted as "moved on", but I did some mission trips and it wasn't too much time before I left church!!
Its strange to ponder what would have happened if we'd taken a different path, made some different positions, but ultimately, I think thoughtful people end up considering their faith very deeply, and that often raises difficult questions that can't be ignored.
You could still join the Unitarians on a mission trip ;P Or some other organisation if you wanted to - lol!
Good luck with the anti-depressants.
Half the women I know are on antidepressants (don't know why just the women, unless guys are less willing to talk), but none of them as eloquent about it as you are here. You've helped me understand what depression is all about.
And I must say I'm jealous of you Canadians. You've got a country you can be proud of.
Wow! My partner, Aaron, forwarded me your blog yesterday, and I was so excited to find that there was actually somebody out there experiencing the same thing! I’ve been on Effexor XR since June. I had several panic attacks and missed periods early this spring, and my doctor recommended that I should be on the medication (which is a BIG DEAL to be on anti-depressant medication in my home country, Japan!). Although I dreamed all the time even before having been on this medication, as you indicated, they became even more vivid and bizarre. I didn’t even realize that my sweating a lot at night was due to the medication. I was like “oh good. I must be burning fat! It’s like I am working out during my sleep!” The funny thing was that my dream is so similar to yours. These past couple of months, ever since Aaron had gone to San Francisco, this boy, whom I had a crush on but never spoke a word with when I was in middle school, kept showing up in my dream, and trying to seduce me. Oh, yes, SEXUALLY! And he was not even grown up! How twisted is that?? Well, the only thing I could explain was that I had been sexually frustrated because Aaron and I were far a part, but why this middle school innocent boy?? There have been so many other weird strange dreams that finally I started to write them down in my journal. Aaron has come to a realization that none of my dreams is normal. Well, maybe, one of these days, he (it so happens that he likes to write fiction) can write a book based on my dream! Anyway, I have seriously considered seeing a counselor or a therapist for a while, but now that I know this is more to do with Effexor than my going nuts, I am just going to put up with them. My most concern at this point is how I should go about getting off the medication. I am going back to Japan in February for several months, and I must get off of it before since they don’t prescribe it there. One time I made a mistake and didn’t take it for two days. It was a hell! I had the worst headache ever and felt nauseated for two days. As much as I hate to admit it, I am officially addicted to this Western poison!! (Aaron can tell you how much I despise to take any medicines here.) But as of now, Effexor is my best friend. It just makes my life much easier. So what am I going to do now? Well I think I will pick up a phone and call Walgreens to order a refill since I just found out this morning that there was only one left. Because to tell you the truth, the very idea of running out of it almost gives me a panic attack :)
I was on effexor for 1 year. I am still on it but I am trying to get off. I was at 150mg for the year and I am down to 37.5. I had the dreams and night sweats too. I still wake up with my sheets and myself soaked in sweat!! It is so annoying!! This should be my last week on effexor but I am scared to get off the 37.5. I have read all the scary stuff about what happends when you get off of it. I expericed the withdrawl sympthoms once when wallgreens.com didn't send me my medicine (which they do automaticly). It was horrbile it was like the flu times a million and I got those "brain shocks" yuck!! But so far coming off the medicine slowly has been fine, so maybe I will be ok getting off of the 37.5. Also, I don't know if this has happend to you? But I gained 50lbs on effexor. And I am extremly active and I only eat orgainic natual food. That has been the worst part of effexor. I was a size 2 and now I am a size 10!! I had to buy all new clothes! I am hoping it will go away when I am finally off. I am getting a trainer at my gym this summer to get rid of it. But I feel for you about being on effexor. As much as I hate the drug, it did help me pull out of my depression. Since I have been on it I have been very happy. Good luck with effexor I hope it helps you, don't be discouraged about what people tell you about it b/c it really did help me and I am almost off it!!
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