I feel myself losing my understanding of the Christian community that I was so recently a part of. My last post, for example, shows how far my view of sexuality has strayed from the "homosexuality is wrong because Leviticus says so" stance. I think about how I used to think about homosexuality, that it was a sin and that was that, and it feels so foreign and familiar at the same time... but more foreign than familiar. I don't want to lose my understanding of that worldview, of that community, because I want to study it and explain it to other people. I don't hate Christians at all. I was part of The Body for a long time, and part of me still misses that unity, that solidarity. I think the system is deeply flawed and I can list many bad effects that it has had (and continues to have) on me, but I do not feel angry at the people. I understand why my Sunday school teachers, my parents, my youth pastors, all of them, why they did what they did, why they taught me the things they did, why they thought it was necessary and beneficial to me. I understand that Dave Beattie taught our Youth For Christ group about Who I Am In Christ because he loved us, and I continue to have a deep respect for him, though I have learned to find myself in... well, myself, rather than someone else.

I was at a Christian bridal shower last night (it was at my apartment) and I realised that bridal showers are the only time that Christian women really celebrate their sexuality in a near-public forum. They give the bride racy lingerie and laugh with her about it and say things like, "oh, that is SO beautiful, you will look so nice in that!" These brides spend their entire dating relationship trying NOT to have sex, struggling with their desire for it (the sin of lust), feeling guilty for it, trying not to dress in such a way that they will cause their boyfriends to "stumble" (feel attraction for them, desire sex), and they finally gather with their friends to look forward to it and celebrate it as a good thing. I don't know about post-wedding discussions, but I suspect that this is the only time they have to celebrate it with friends, because after that the "marriage bed" is sacred and not to be discussed with others. Before marriage, sex is sin, and after marriage, it is private.

It was just so strange to me... they spend so much time trying to dress modestly because they believe that if they don't, they will cause the men in their lives to lust, and that is causing them to sin... and then, for their bridal shower, they receive lingerie that is designed with the sole purpose of causing that which they've been trying to protect their boyfriend from. I wonder how easy it is for Christian brides to switch mindsets overnight.

I'm so glad that's not my world anymore. I'm glad I'm staying at my boyfriend's place tonight and it won't occur to me to feel guilty about it.